The Drunken Baby’s Lullaby

By autographedcat

On February 18, 2022

In Songs

The Drunken Baby’s Lullaby

TTTO Mockingbird/Hush Little Baby (trad)
Lyrics by Rob Wynne & TJ Burnside Clapp
2016

Hush little baby, don’t you fear

Mama’s gonna buy you a nice cold beer

And if that beer don’t taste so fine

Mama’s gonna pour you a glass of wine

And if that wine’s a bit too dry

Mama’s gonna mix you a tall Mai Tai

And if that Mai Tai mix runs out

Mama’s gonna bring you a Guinness Stout

And if that Stout should make you fret

Mama’s gonna make you a gin gimlet

And if that gimlet glass gets broke

Mama’s gonna mix you a rum and coke

And if that rum and coke lacks power

Mama’s gonna bring you a whiskey sour

And if that whiskey sour’s too sweet

Mama’s gonna pour you a bourbon, neat

And if that bourbon makes you wail

Mama’s gonna mix you a rusty nail

And if you still won’t sleep after all of these

Someone mix mama up a double, please!

This was a lovely bit of comment improv between TJ and myself, prompted by a photo her husband Mitchell posted on her FB wall back in 2016:

I started it off, and we just traded back and forth until there was a whole song.

This song pairs well with “Don’t Cry, My Dear, Have a Cracker”.

Some Assembly Required

By autographedcat

On January 30, 2021

In Songs

Some Assembly Required
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Maria” by Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein

IKEA

I just bought a book from IKEA

And the component parts just to make up a single word

IKEA, IKEA, IKEA, IKEA

IKEA!
I’ve just bought a book from IKEA

And assembling that text

Will find me rather vexed

and sad

IKEA

Shout out loud, find there’s a piece missing

Mutter soft, and you’re cursing and hissing

IKEA

I’ll never again buy IKEA

The most obnoxious book I’ll never read

IKEA

This was an insta inspired by this meme picture. Everytime I saw it, I got the song in my head, so I jotted it down. 🙂

Walrus Matilda

By autographedcat

On May 1, 2020

In Songs

Walrus Matilda
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Waltzing Matilda” by Banjo Paterson

I am he as you are he, you are me and we are we
See how they run like pigs from a gun
See how they fly and take a look at how I cry
Then go a-walrus matilda with me

Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come
Corporation t-shirt, stupid bloody day
Man you’ve been a naughty boy, you have let your face grow long
So come a-walrus matilda with me

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
And we are in the garden, waiting for the sun to come
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

Mister City policemen, sitting in a pretty row
See how they fly like Lucy in the sky
See how they fly and take a look at how I cry
Then come a-walrus matilda with me

Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye
Pornographic priestess, crabalocker wife
Boy you’ve been a naughty girl, you have let your knickers down
So come a-walrus Matilda with me

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
And we are in the garden, tanning in the English rain
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

I’m an expert texpert, I’m a choking smoker too
Don’t you know the joker is laughing at you
See how the pigs smile, take a look at how I cry
Then come a-walrus matilda with me

Semolina Pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower
Elementary penguin, hare krishna song
Man you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe
So come a-walrus matilda with me

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
Everybody’s got one, stick it up your jumper, love
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
You can still hear Paul’s ghost, as he says to the carpenter
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

A bit of silly mashup inspired by a conversation on #filkhaven this morning.

Quarantine

By autographedcat

On April 29, 2020

In Songs

Quarantine
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Closing Time” by Semisonic

[Verse 1]
Quarantine
Close up all the doors and don’t go out onto the street
Quarantine
Turn all of the lights out and stay under your blanket and sheet
Quarantine
Sitting on the sofa watching TV and drinking beer
Quarantine
You don’t have to stay home but you can’t come here

[Chorus]
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…

[Verse 2]
Quarantine
Time for you to stay there in the places you already are
Quarantine
There’s nowhere to go, ’cause they closed every café and bar
So just take off your jackets, put them in the closet
I hope at least you have a friend
Quarantine
Please stay safe inside until the outside is safe once again.

[Chorus]
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…

[Bridge]
Quarantine
Time for you to stay there in the places you already are

[Chorus]
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…

[Outro]
Quarantine
Please stay safe inside until the outside is safe once again.

I have to thank Trace Hagemann for being my muse and inspiring this! He posted a link to Semisonic’s “Closing Time” and said it was his quarantine music for the evening, and this formed in my brain. I guess I’ve now written my pandemic song.

A Fistful of Mithril: The Journey Begins

By autographedcat

On November 26, 2019

In Blog

I was delighted recently to be invited by my friend Aron Wolf to participate in a D&D one-shot he was putting together. I’m a long-time RPG fan, but I haven’t really had a group of my own recently. Our old regular weekly D&D group in Atlanta scattered across the country, and while we managed to get things going again for a while over Skype, life intervened and we never got it back up again. So I was really excited to not only play, but play around a table in a room with a bunch of other people I already knew i liked and enjoyed spending time with!

Because this was intended as a shakedown cruise for the world Aron is building, he gave us all pre-rolled 3rd level characters with specific backstories, which let us drop into the “meeting the party” phase without a lot of time for chargen. This was useful, because our group was pretty evenly divided between D&D veterans and folks who had never played before, and even among the vets, some of us hadn’t really played 5th edition yet, so our knowledge of the system was rather out of date.

Threat Report

By autographedcat

On October 4, 2019

In Songs

TTTO: “Dust In The Wind” by Kansas

I hold my fire
Only for a moment, then the moment’s gone
Tank builds threat
Misdirect three shots, turn growl off on my pet
Manage your threat
DPS must manage its threat

Healers scream
Suddenly the boss is running after me
Quick, feign death!
Tanks desperately taunt while it is running free
Manage your threat
DPS must manage its threat

Don’t pull aggro
One eye on the meter — not the damage one
When you’re high
Find a way to dump threat or you’re going to die
Manage your threat
DPS must manage its threat

This is a bit of fluff I wrote in 2009, after a night of raiding in World of Warcraft. I only ever shared it with Steve Shortino and Erica Neely, who were on my team at the time, and then forgot about it. I’ve written another filk about WoW to this same tune that I think is better, but I’ll include this one for the sake of completion.

Happy Birthday, Luke & Leia

By autographedcat

On March 31, 2019

In Blog

According to their adoption paperwork, our kittens Luke and Leia are one year old today! They’ve brought a great deal of joy to our household, and we’re looking forward to many more! Happy birthday, kitties!

Thirteen Chord Songs

By autographedcat

On October 27, 2018

In Songs

by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Secondhand Songs” by Jonathan Turner

Sharing songs in the filkcircle
I hear a tune that’s quite new
And I know at first listen
It’s one that I’d like to do
But I cannot decipher
Just the way it should go
So I ask for the chords
And he looks at me bored
As he says “Well, you know

I write thirteen chord songs
Songs in tunings bizarre
I don’t expect you to play them
You won’t know what they are
The patterns aren’t simple
It’s 7/4 time, it’s long
Oh your fingers will burn
If you sit down and learn
one of my thirteen chord songs.”

I’m not much with an instrument
I guess I play well enough
All my strumming is simple
Sometimes my changes are rough
And this song that he’s playing
Remains just out of my reach
But if i’m put to the test
I will still do my best
As I battle with each

Of these thirteen chord songs
Songs with rhythms complex
I don’t know why I try them
They always leave me quite vexed
My fingers are cramping
But still I soldier along
As I struggle to wrest
Some kind of tune from this mess
Of a thirteen chord song

So I went to my best friend
He plays much better than me
He said “This song’s not as tricky
As he’d like you to believe
Half these chords are for colour
And these two just for show
Put a capo on three
Now the whole things in G
And you’re ready to go

With this now four chord song”
The arrangement is spare
It is slightly less nuanced
But I don’t really care
Because now I can play it
And it doesn’t sound wrong
You can keep all your tricks
and your riffs and your licks
In your thirteen chord song

You can keep all your tricks
and your riffs and your licks
In your thirteen chord song

Although it’s down to four
I still need stamina more
’cause it’s an eight minute song

I wrote this song years ago, but somehow never got around to posting it, and then came across it again while putting together my OVFF 2018 Toastmaster concert setlist, so I saved it to include there before putting it out into the world.

I should note that while the original idea for this was based on a true story, no one was has ever dismissive and rude to me when I’ve asked for chords. I just thought it was funnier to imagine someone who was. 🙂

The original song, by New England area filker Jonathan Turner, is terrific, and I recommend seeking it out if you can.

The Muppets Take Manhattan

By autographedcat

On October 27, 2018

In Songs

by Rob Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
TTTO: “First, We Take Manhattan” by Leonard Cohen

KERMIT:
They sentenced me to twenty years of vaudeville
I am a world-renowned amphibian
Well, now I want my picture on a playbill
The Muppets take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

I’m guided by a voice beyond the rainbow
That lovers, dreamers, and I all attend
I’m guided by the search for the connection
The Muppets take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

MISS PIGGY:
I’d really like to sing beside you, Kermie
I love your humour and your deadpan and your care
But you see that name in lights up on the marquee?
I told you, I told you, Moi told you: Moi should be up there!

KERMIT:
Ah, we’re moving right along, and now we’re ready for the Great White Way
We’ll make a show with our friends, just like we did in our heyday
How many nights we’ve played for this, to let the show begin
The Muppets take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

We’re going to get the whole band back together
Doctor Teeth, the Electric Mayhem
The Animal unto the drum is tethered
The Muppets Take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

MISS PIGGY:
I’d really like to sing beside you, Kermie
I love your humour and your deadpan and your care
But you see that name in lights up on the marquee?
I told you, I told you, Moi told you: Moi should be up there!

KERMIT:
And I thank you for the varied friends you sent me
The dog, the bear, whatever Gonzo is
We rehearsed every night, and now we’re ready
The Muppets take Manhattan, Kermit rides a Schwinn

Ah, hear me now, it’s time to play the music
To light the lights, and let the creatures in
And the two old men who make sure we are heckled
The Muppets Take Manhattan, Kermit rides a Schwinn

This song had a very long gestation period. Many years ago, we had that refrain line, but couldn’t quite figuring out what to build around it. And one day, it wandered through my head again, and suddenly I knew, and between us we knocked it out in quick fashion. So it took either two days or two decades to write, depending on how you look at it. 🙂

I performed this song for the first time at OVFF 2018, where I was the toastmaster. Special thanks to Merav Hoffman for playing Piggy to my Kermit.

This song appeared in the Gafilk 2019 songbook.

OVFF 2018

By autographedcat

On October 27, 2018

In Blog

Seventeen years ago, I went to my first OVFF. It was a magical experience, and I met many of my dearest friends that weekend, and started a relationship which has become the foundation of my world, so I have a lot of strong feelings about it. I haven’t missed one since, and I was thrilled last year to be asked to serve as Toastmaster for this year’s convention.

I kept trying to figure out a way to write a more comprehensive con-report, but there was so much going on and so many people to see and spend time with (and never enough time with any of you) that I fear leaving something or someone out. But in true awards show fashion, I’m going to try until the orchestra plays me off.

Much thanks to the entire concom for the invitation, to Eric and Lizzie, Julia and Lady J, Cam3, Twill and Osiris of Wreck The System for being an awesome group of folks to share a bill with, and with whom to judge songwriting contests. Thanks to Steve, Erica, Trace, and Kathryn for late night Pegasus shenanigans. Thank you very much to Bill for the wonderful and humbling words in my program book bio, and for the years of friendship that made it possible.

Special thanks to Steve Macdonald and Merav Hoffman for implausibly last-minute assistance with my concert set. Those last two numbers couldn’t have happened with your help, and they’re both songs I’ve been wanting to do on stage for a long, long time.

My concert set was as follows.

0. The Folsom Connection
1. Anthem (cover)
2. The Madonna of the Midway (cover)
3. A Con Spent In A Circle
4. Thirteen Chord Songs
5. Son of a Son of a Vor Lord
6. Pass the Sage
7. The Ironforge Song
8. Party Of Four
9. Lawyers Guns and Honey
10. The Muppets Take Manhattan

(Lyrics for all songs by me except as noted: “Party of Four”, “Lawyers, Guns, and Honey”, and “The Muppets Take Manhattan” lyrics by myself and Jeff Williams. “Anthem” by Leonard Cohen. “The Madonna Of The Midway” lyrics by John M. Ford, music by Emma Bull. Tunes to all the parodies by their respective original composers; see my website for credits to specific songs. As always, these songs and others I’ve written can be found at https://www.autographedcat.com/songs/)

Thank you to everyone who attended my concert and who told me afterwards they enjoyed it. It was an honour to sing for you.

Thanks to Andrea and Lauren for the late night ice cream run, to Eric Distadand Jen for many long conversations, and to Elise for endless kindness.

Thanks to Kat for unexpected magic.

And finally, always, thanks to Larissa, who is my rock, my foundation, and my partner. You make everything possible.

OVFF 2018 was a blast, and I’m already looking forward to seeing everyone next year.

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