AD&D Silliness

Someone on the MUD I play posted this list of the 396 least useful spells for wizards.

1 Acid Trip
2 Affect Abnormal Fires
3 Affect Normal Foyers
4 Air Breathing (land-dwellers only)
5 Airshape (like Stoneshape, but with normal air)
6 Airy Air
7 Alamir’s Freeway Breakdown
8 Alamir’s Fundamental Theorem
9 Algorhythm I-III (sp?)
10 Anger God

11 Animate Bread
12 Anti-Anti-Magic Shell (Pro-Magic Shell?)
13 Anti-Magic Eggshell
14 Anti-Magic Magic Missle
15 Anti-Magic Magic Mouth
16 Antipathy Orb
17 Audible Hammer (of the M.C. variety)
18 Auditable Glamour
19 Augmented Chord I, ii, III, iv, V, VI, vii
20 Bad Lighting
21 Badly Programmed Illusion
22 Become Dead (reverse of Resurrect Self)
23 Bigby’s Assertive Finger
24 Bigby’s Clenched Teeth
25 Bigby’s Critically Fumbling Hand
26 Bigby’s Glove (colors the various Bigby’s Hand spells, no bonus)
27 Bigby’s Groping Hand
28 Bigby’s Hairy-Palmed Hand
29 Bigby’s Insulting Hand (the second finger is rather prominent)
30 Bigby’s Limp-Wristed Hand
31 Bigby’s Shadow-Animal Making Hands
32 Bigby’s “Shush”ing Hand
33 Black & White Spray
34 Blind Self
35 Bold Monster
36 Bookworm Blast
37 Break-Wind Wall
38 Break the Wind
39 Bubbling Rainstorm
40 Burning Hands (Yours, ouch)
41 Can Trip (And does!)
42 Change Elf
43 Charm Dead
44 Charm Friends
45 Charm Groupie
46 Charm Potted Plants
47 Charm Self
48 Charm Undead (X rated version)
49 Cheeseball
50 Circling the Square (i.e. Times, Trafalger, Tiannemen)
51 Clause of the Lawyer
52 Clear Audience (usually follows Delayed Blast Flatulence)
53 Clone Undead
54 Clown
55 Color Safe Spray
56 Compulsive Disorder
57 Cone of Bubbles
58 Conjure Emmenthaler
59 Contact This Plane
60 Continual Bad Lighting
61 Continual Right (a political spell)
62 Control Casting Time (controls the casting time of this spell
63 Control Feather
64 Copyright Shroud
65 Crass Suggestion
66 Create Coat Hanger
67 Cure Animal Hide
68 Cure Light Winds
69 Cure Smoked Ham
70 Cure STD
71 Current Life
72 Cylons, 10′ Radius
73 Cymbal
74 Dalamar’s Whoopee Cushion (things that make you go hmmmm)
75 Darkness, 15 micron radius
76 Daylight (material components: must be cast outdoors in bright sunlight)
77 Deathwish
78 Deeppocket Lint
79 Delayed Blast Cantrip
80 Delayed Blast Flatulence
81 Delayed Blast Spitball
82 Demand Blindness
83 Demi-Shadow Puppets
84 Deny Reality
85 Detect Crying
86 Detect Dead (Yep, he’s dead alright…)
87 Detect Detect Spells
88 Detect Hound
89 Detect Lightning Bolts (area: 5′)
90 Detect Pervert
91 Detect Pink Bunny Rabbits
92 Detect Self (allows you to see if you are yourself)
93 Detect Strikes and Spares
94 Detect Tragic (oooh, theres a sad happening over there!)
95 Detect Unseen Butler
96 Detect Visibility (Yep, I can see that)
97 Detect Weevil
98 Detect Wind
99 Differentiate Without Error (Hey, you never know…)
100 Dimension Doorknob
101 Dispell Nonmagical Reptiles & Amphibians
102 Dispurse Self
103 Doug
104 Doug’s Generic Spell
105 Drain Vaccuum
106 Draw Upon Religious Right
107 Drawmij’s Court Summons
108 Drawmij’s Instant Cake Mix
109 Drawmij’s Instant Coffee (components: hot water and cup)
110 Drawmij’s Instant Death (Drawmij’s CON must be about -30 by now…)
111 Earthly Chorus
112 Enchanted Toothpick
113 Enlightening Bolt
114 Enrage Dragon
115 ESPN
116 Ethertalk
117 Evard’s Black Growth (range: 0)
118 Evard’s Black Testicles
119 Evard’s Blue Testicles
120 Explosive Familiar (it’s *your* familiar)
121 Explosive Friends
122 Extension Cord I, II, and III
123 Extinguish Match (casting time: 5 rounds)
124 Face Grasp
125 Fear of Sunmotes
126 Feather Brain
127 Feather Flail
128 Feign Life (as if the caster has one)
129 Feign Orgasm
130 Find Acquaintance
131 Find Floor (somatic component: falling on face)
132 Find Hand
133 Finger of Near-Fatal Injury
134 Finger of Plead
135 Fire Alarm
136 Fire Rap
137 Fire Stick
138 Fireball (reversed)
139 Fiscal Projection
140 Fist of Flesh
141 Fleshskin (range: self)
142 Fool’s Lead
143 Foresee Unseen Butler
144 Forget Spells (area: self)
145 Forehead
146 Foreskin
147 Fourier’s Transformation
148 Furball
149 Furry Fire
150 Gaze at Reflection
151 Geese
152 Get Flu
153 Get Life
154 Glassteal (swipe that beermug from that unsuspecting peasant)
155 Globe of Vulnerability
156 Grate
157 Graze reflection (if someone hurts your knee)
158 Guess Alignment
159 Hair Extension I, II, III
160 Hallucinatory Escape
161 Hallucinatory Train
162 Hand of Skin
163 Hatch Egg (somatic component: sit on egg)
164 Heal Monster (only works on opponents during combat) 165 Heel
166 Hold Bladder
167 Hold Mustard
168 Hold Self
169 Hornung’s Gas
170 Hornung’s Police Dispatcher
171 Housefly
172 Hug Self
173 Illusion Debugger (for Badly Programmed Illusions)
174 Illusionary Crypt
175 Iggy’s Invisible Illusion
176 Illegal Thoughts (That serving wench looks older than 18)
177 Implosive Runes
178 Impress Plants
179 Improper Suggestion
180 Indirection (address register postincrement)
181 Indivisibility (The caster is a prime number)
182 Insect Plague, 5′ Radius
183 Integrate (reversible, Differentiate)
184 Invisibility to Inanimate Objects
185 Invisibility to Dead
187 Irritate Self
188 Kender Summoning I, II, III
189 Kitchen Sink
190 Knock Knock
191 Know Own Alignment
192 Know Person (in the biblical sense of the word…)
193 Kooshball
194 Legend Bore
195 Legend Lore, Extended Dance Mix
196 Leomund’s Condemned Shelter
197 Leomund’s Grass Hut
198 Leomund’s Mortgaged Shelter
199 Leomund’s Risky Tax Shelter
200 Leomund’s Secure Chest Cavity
201 Leomund’s Sturdy Music Box
202 Leomund’s Tap
203 Leomund’s Underfunded Homeless Shelter
204 Level Water
205 Lightning Blot
206 Limited Dish (Sorry sir, the Dover Sole is off)
207 Limited Wash
208 Locate Right Hand
209 Locate Self (tells you where you are, relative to your location)
210 Locate Tongue (requires verbal component)
211 Locate Wizard (the _nearest_ wizard)
212 Lorloveim’s Shady Deal
213 Lose Familiar (Get lost, ya wee booger!)
214 Lower Cholesterol Level
215 Lower Inhibitions
216 Maggot Missle
217 Magic Boomeranging Missile
218 Magic Gristle
219 Magic Missal (A really boring prayersheet)
220 Magic Moth
221 Magic Orifice
222 Magic Shotglass (as opposed to Magic Jar)
223 Mail of the Banshee (victim gets letter saying “Waaaaaahh…”)
224 Maize
225 Matrix Addition
226 Mauve Earth
227 Meld, Canasta Version
228 Melf’s Acid Bow
229 Melf’s Acid Trip
230 Melf’s Minute Rice
231 Melodramatic Phantom Defenders
232 Memorize Spell
233 Meteor Swan
234 Micrometeorite Storm
235 Mildly Surprising Grasp
236 Minor Delousing
237 Mistaken Identify
238 Mistaken Thought (Gee, guys, it _looked_ like a Gas Spore)
239 Moaning Spirit
240 Mordenkainen’s Agnostic Hound
241 Mordenkainen’s Aroused Hound (can’t get it off of the nearest leg)
242 Mordenkainen’s Big Ears (+1 to all hearing checks, ear size quadrupled)
243 Mordenkainen’s Bored Cat
244 Mordenkainen’s Celery
245 Mordenkainen’s Conjunction (Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?)
246 Mordenkainen’s Faithful Mosquito
247 Mordenkainen’s Freeway Junction
248 Mordenkainen’s Lubrication
249 Mordenkainen’s Sword, -1 Backbiter
250 Mordenkainen’s Unfaithful Wife
251 Move Venus
252 Muenster Summoning I-VII
253 Murder Darkness
254 Murdoch’s Featherless Fryer (Verbal component: “Butterball”)
255 Murdock’s Feathery Pillow
256 Nahal’s Banana Peel (appears under random ally’s foot)
257 No Time
258 No Vacancy
259 Nystul’s Undetectible Aura
260 Otiluke’s Happy Fun Sphere
261 Otiluke’s Resilient Ear
262 Otiluke’s Room Temperature Sphere
263 Otto’s Irresistible Disco-Duck
264 Otto’s Resistable Dance
265 Paraphrase Magic
266 Part Hair
267 Pastel Blade of Warm Fuzzies (9th level Drow spell)
268 Penultimate Fall
269 Phantasmal Fork
270 Phantasmal Morse
271 Phantasmal Thriller
272 Plane XOR
273 Polymorph Mother
274 Power Word Missing
275 Power Word, NO!
276 Power Word, Noogie
277 Power Word, Puke
278 Power Word, Pun
279 Power Word, Smirk
280 Power Word, Spam
281 Power Word, Wedgie
282 Protection from Catnips
283 Protection from Elvis, 10′ Radius
284 Protection from Evil Kenevil (sp?)
285 Protection from Halitosis
286 Protection from Normal Air
287 Protection from Normal Missals
288 Protection from Normal Oxygen
289 Protection from Normal Pillows
290 Protection from Self
291 Protection from Weevil
292 Psychoanalyze Without Error (Zo, ven dit you shtop lofink your mutter?)
293 Purge Memory
294 Putrefy Offal
295 Rainbow Enhancer
296 Random Casualty
297 Rary’s Mnemonic Cancer (eats away at those favorite spells)
298 Rary’s Mnemonic Device (makes silly acronyms out of things)
299 Rary’s Pneumonic Cough (range: self)
300 Read Common
301 Rectum of Retention
302 Reincarnation Door
303 Remove Hand (yours)
304 Remove Minus Sign (reversible)
305 Remove Nurse (“Good-Byyyeeee Nurse!”)
306 Remove Reality
307 Remove Self
308 Remove Strong Language
309 Reservation
310 Rest Erection
311 Resurrect Living
312 Resurrect Self (problem: must be alive to cast the spell)
313 Reverse Graffiti
314 Rice Storm
315 Rock Summoning I
316 Sepia Cake Sigil
317 Serten’s Smell Immunity
318 Sheepskin
319 Shocking Gasp (usually follows Tenser’s Shocking Suggestion)
320 Silence of the Lambs, 15′ radius
321 Sleep with Dead (yuck… unless you’re a real Necromancer)
322 SmorgasMorph
323 Soap-on-a-Rope Trick
324 Solid Frog
325 Speak With Boring Monsters
326 Speak With Dead Plants
327 Speak With Grateful Dead
328 Speak With Living (components: two tin cans and a string)
329 Speak WIth Mud
330 Speak With Self
331 Sucker (for those of you who actually cast the spell)
332 Summon Allergy
333 Summon Death (Death arrives and kills the caster)
334 Summon Self
335 Swift Envelope
336 Tape Mount
337 Tasha’s Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter
338 Tasha’s Uncontrollable Bladder
339 Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Daughter (a.k.a. ‘Sela’)
340 Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Die Rolls
341 Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Flatulence
342 Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Gesture
343 Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Hand
344 Tax Avoidance
345 Taunt a Second Time
346 Teleport Environment
347 Teleport With Lots of Errors
348 Teleport Without Destination
349 Teleport Without Terror
350 Tenser’s Double-Sided, Double Density Disk
351 Tenser’s Floating Point
352 Tenser’s Formatted Disk
353 Tenser’s Gloating Disk
354 Tenser’s Shocking Suggestion (you want to WHAT??!)
355 Tenser’s Slipped Disk
356 Tenser’s Deadly Resurrection
357 Tensor Transformations
358 This Space for Rent (fills up space on a scroll or in a mage’s memory)
359 Time Start
360 Tonguetwister Change
361 Tons
362 Transmute Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust (priest spell)
363 Transmute Friends to Enemies
364 Transmute Head to Butt
365 Transmute RGB to HSV
366 Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible)
367 Transmute Rock to Jazz
368 Trap the Sole (see Limited Dish)
369 Turn Friends Into Enemies
370 Turn Pebble (rotation, not banishment)
371 Undefined Symbol
372 Unenlightening Bolt
373 Unheard Servant
374 Unscented Cloud
375 Unseen Manservant
376 Unseen Pervert
377 Unseen Sympathy
378 Vampiric Breathing (perfect for harassing phone calls)
379 Vampiric Crutch
380 Varnish
381 Visible Stalker
382 Walk
383 Wall of Dog
384 Wall of Horse
385 Wall of Non-Dairy Creamer
386 Wall of Normal Air
387 Wall of Paper
388 Wall of Velcro
389 Waste
390 Wink
391 Wizard Eyebrow
392 Wizard Lick
393 Wizard Nostril
394 Wizard Stain
395 You Wish!
396 ZX-Spectral Force