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The Folsom Connection

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On November 13, 2013

In Blog, Songs

Over in the Tadpool group on Facebook, there’s a thread on the topic of “What’s your favourite song to sing in the shower?”  One of the commenters wrote: “That’s a tough one I don’t know if I have a favorite… I will sing anything from Johnny Cash, Folsom Prisom1 Rainbow Connection.”

Being a filker, of course…and a filker fresh off a con where my creative brain is already in gear, the following just fell out of my head:

Why are there so many songs about prisons
And people who are inside?
I’m stuck in this one because once in Reno
I shot a man to watch him die
I guess, in hindsight, I kind of deserve it
It wasn’t a nice thing to do
But as that train rumbles past old Folsom Prison
I can’t help but cry, wouldn’t you?

I’m not sure there’s really a point in going further with it; the joke is complete at the end of the first verse.2 I really need to start a file just for little show-stoppers like this one.

  1. Quipped another:  “Folsom Prism is my Johnny Cash ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ cover album.  I’d pay serious money for that album.  Serious money. ↩

  2. As Bill Sutton taught me:  “Short is good.  Funny is good.  Short and funny is best. ↩

Long Haul

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On November 11, 2013

In Songs

Long Haul
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Kenworth Of My Dreams” by Richard Shindell

Sold my army rifle
Kept my long brown coat
My best friend said she’d follow me
Wherever I might roam
So I looked around until I found
A ship within my means
I put fifteen thousand credits down
On the Firefly of my dreams

A farmer’s daughter joined the crew
And she took the thing apart
And every coil and grav link
She came to know by heart
Our pilot, he’s a little strange
And Jayne is plenty mean
But I know they’ll stand behind me
In the Firefly of my dreams

But sometimes, late out on some shipping lane
I think of all the war had cost
Bad guys won, the good guys lost
I just wrote the whole damn system off

I think Inara likes me
But she won’t take me to bed
The doctor and his sister
Are running from the Feds
Shepherd says I’m running too;
I don’t know what he means
I’m just flying out into the black
In the Firefly of my dreams

But sometimes late out on some shipping lane
I think of all the war had cost
Bad guys won, the good guys lost
I just wrote the whole damn system off

Lately, life’s been pretty odd;
I’ve reasons to complain.
My character’s been questioned
So I’d like to make this plain:
From Ariel to Higgins Moon
And all points in between
I’ll do the job and then get paid
In the Firefly of my dreams

Yes, I’ll do the job and then get paid
In the Firefly of my dreams

There are many Firefly songs.  This one is mine.

Richard Shindell writes amazing songs, and I listen to him a lot and cover a lot of his work.  And a long time ago, it occurred to me that the long-haul trucker in his song “The Kenworth of my Dreams”, who sells everything he owns to buy a sort of freedom, was a spiritual ancestor to Malcolm Reynolds.

This is another song where the idea came to me and stalled halfway through, and then sat in a folder for a long time.   I finished it a couple of years ago, but looking back over my blog, it appears I never actually posted it.  I know I’ve performed this a couple of times out and about, once in a circle at Conflikt and once on a panel at Dragon*Con.

Son Of A Son Of A Vor Lord

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On November 10, 2013

In Songs

Son of a Son of a Vor Lord
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Son Of A Son Of A Sailor” by Jimmy Buffett

As the son of a son of a Vor lord
I went out into space for excitement
I set out to bamboozle a captain and crew
By pretending I’m some sort of pirate

As a schemer of tactics and a student of war
I make up my plans as I go
Read many accounts about soldiers and Counts
It was all that I needed to know

Son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor Lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

With a fleet of my own in a distant war zone
I crafted a brand new persona
I can shake the hand of the ImpSec man
While he pretends he doesn’t know me

And my lady was born on Station Kline
Floating out in the space lanes
Fast on her feet, runs the whole fleet
And her beauty is matched by her brains

Preparing to race through the wormholes in space
Our forefathers mapped out before us
Feel the hull thrum as the jump engines hum
And see what is waiting there for us

Wherever I go, I’ll find trouble I know
In deep space, or the Dendarii mountains
I don’t stop to reflect about what happens next
At least I didn’t end up an accountant

But a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

I’m just a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
My honour is bound to the Emperor’s crown
And I know I will not die of boredom

I started writing this song five or six years ago, and got stuck in the middle because I wasn’t even sure at what point in the series the song was set.  I put it away and ran across the notes on it recently while tidying up some old folders, and suddenly i knew what I needed to do with it.

This is based on Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkoskigan Saga, and specifically is set sometime before Memory, but after Miles has had time to establish himself with the Dendarii mercenaries.  So, maybe sometime around Brothers in Arms or Borders of Infinity.

I debuted this song in my concert set at Orycon 35 in Portland, Oregon.

Boba Fett Isn’t Dead

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On June 18, 2013

In Blog, Songs

Boba Fett Isn’t Dead
TTTO: “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus

Red on green Mandalore armor
Back on the track

Boba Fett isn’t dead
The hunter left the sarlaac pit
The Jedi have all fled
Skywalker downs the sand skiff

Boba Fett isn’t dead
Boba Fett isn’t dead
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!

The bounty hunters file past his tomb
Strewn with time’s lost contracts
Adrift in spacial slip
Alone on a darkened ship
The clone

Boba Fett isn’t dead
Boba Fett isn’t dead
Boba Fett isn’t dead
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!
Not dead!

Oh Boba
Boba’s not dead
Oh Boba
Boba’s not dead

Boba’s not dead
Oh Boba
Boba’s not dead
Oh Boba

Boba Fett is an interesting character. He has about 20 minutes of screen time and five lines of dialogue in the original Star Wars trilogy, and still became one of its most enduring and popular characters. I can’t really think of anything else quite like it in popular culture.

If you’re like me and your Star Wars knowledge is primarily limited to the films, you may be unaware of the complex storyline that Boba Fett is at the centre of. In particular, you may not be aware that the character did not die in “Return of the Jedi”, but in fact escaped his fate and went on to have many more significant adventures in what is called the “Expanded Universe” of Star Wars lore.

I don’t recall with whom I was chatting about Star Wars (though I have a vague memory it was either Bryan Provost or Nigel Cox), but their reaction to my comment about Fett dying in RotJ was a forceful “Boba Fett isn’t dead!”, which managed to connect to the iconic refrain of this classic Bauhaus song. Not sure what to do with it, it sat in my unfinished songs folder for weeks, until the rest of it presented itself to me.

If you’re unfamiliar with the original tune and want to skip to the bit that has words in, jump to the 2:50 minute mark of the video linked above.

UPDATE (2020):  In a curious twist of fate, the TV series “The Mandalorian” has made this song canon. 🙂

Party Of Four

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On June 14, 2013

In Blog, Songs

Party of Four
by Rob Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
TTTO: “All Along The Watchtower” by Bob Dylan

I just don’t see a way into here
Said the cleric to the thief
This keep is too well defended
With its iron and stone motif
All these walls are much too high
The courtyard far too wide
Unless you’ve somehow learned how to fly
There is no way inside

No reason to get discouraged
The thief he softly spoke
There are many doors to pass through
And all these locks are but a joke
But you and I, we’ve fought the hordes
their treasure is our due
So let us not speak loudly now
It’s time to sneak on through

Down below the watchtower
There was a secret door
While the guardsmen paced and prowled
Inside slipped the four

Deep inside the cold dungeon
A wandering monster passed
The warrior pulled out his sword
And the mage began to cast

Another Dungeons and Dragons filk, this one started by Jeff with the opening lines, which he sent me in an instant message a few weeks ago.  While the song is by Dylan, the filk is most certainly of Jimi Hendrix’s iconic cover.  Now if only I could actually play it like that. 🙂

Don’t Cry, My Dear, Have A Cracker

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On March 26, 2012

In Blog, Songs

Don’t Cry, My Dear, Have A Cracker
(Or, “I Always Swore I’d Never Be One Of Those Parents”)
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina” (Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Weber)

You are unhappy
I don’t know why
And I try to work out how you feel
But you cannot speak words
You just sit there and cry
You don’t believe me
When I say that
It will all be okay
Although you are fed, warm, and dry
I guess it’s just that time of day

You threw aside your bottle
You’ve just been changed
Couldn’t spend your whole day on my lap
Looking out of the window
Taking naps in the sun
So you chose screaming
Running around grabbing everything near
But nothing could calm you at all
And so my last resort is clear

Don’t cry, my dear, have a cracker
It has cheese on, and some salami
It was an hors d’oeuvre
Made for a party
But you can eat one
There’s no one looking

As for nutrition and all that jazz
At this point I really don’t care
You can eat the whole tray
If that’s what you desire
At least you’re quiet
And if you remain still
And promise to nap
Then we can have ice cream for lunch
And soda and all of that crap

Don’t cry, my dear, have a cracker
It has cheese on, and some salami
It was an hors d’oeuvre
made for a party
But you can eat them
There’s no one looking

Have I done too much?
There’s nothing left here, I can’t feed you any more
But all you have to do
Is look at me and cry
And I’ll run to the store…

Inspired in small part by a conversation with Brooke. No actual children were fed inappropriate foods in the making of this song, though a sandwich may or may not have been misappropriated…

Karazhan Tonight

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On December 4, 2008

In Blog, Songs

Karazhan Tonight
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Comedy Tonight” by Stephen Sondheim

Epics drop for us
Badges of Justice
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight!

Attuman’s crossbow
Malchezaar’s longbow
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight!

Nothing but ghosts, nothing that’s real
Clear out Morose then sit for a meal

Dance with the undead
Tier 4 for your head
Ten bosses for the raid to fight!
Serpentshrine tomorrow
Karazhan tonight!

Two tanks, three healers
Five damage dealers
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight

Uni-mind Headdress
Quick break to play chess
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight

Shade of Aran’s the Master’s sire
Only this one time: stand in the fire

Maiden’s been cleaned up
Opera is next up
Hope it isn’t Romulo tonight!
Bring up the curtain
Karazhan tonight!

Boots of Fortelling
Bands of Indwelling
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonignt!

Illhoof has gold chains
Charred earth from Nightbane
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight!

[Entire raid]
Epics drop for us
Badges of Justice
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight!

Each drops an upgrade
Repair bill prepaid

[Raid leader]
Something for everyone!

[Entire raid]
Karazhan tonight!

[Healer]
Nothing too hard

[Tank]
Grinding reprieve

[Raid leader]
Go get your key from Master Medivh

[Women]
Four hours clears it

[Men]
And it appears it’s

[All]
Full of purple loot that’s out of sight!

[Priest]
Pantaloons and Pendants!

[Shaman]
Drape of the Mysticant!

[Warrior]
The King’s Defender!

[Druid]
Mitts of Treemender!

[Rogue]
Malchazeen!

[Hunter]
Garona’s Ring!

[Warrior]
Decapitator!

[Mage]
Capacitor!

[Druid]
Forest Lord!

[Warlock]
Waist cord!

[Mage]
Rings!

[Shaman]
Kings!

[Raid leader]
Gauntlets!
Leggings!
Badges!
Tokens!

[Entire Raid]
All of this gear is somewhat antique
And we’ll be back Tuesday next week!

It’s old and dusty
Some of it’s rusty
But the treasure’s certain to delight!
Tempest Keep tomorrow
Karazhan tonight!

When writing about topical things, there is always a danger of your work being “overtaken by events”, which is to say made obsolete by the world changing over the course of time. I wrote this months and months ago, when it was more topical than nostalgic.

But, as we take our first exploratory steps into Naxxramas, high above the snowy valleys of Northrend, let’s remember those heady days when the place to be was Deadwind Pass.

The Ironforge Song

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On April 9, 2008

In Blog, Songs

The Ironforge Song
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “The Toronto Song” by Three Dead Trolls In A Baggie

I hate the Great Forge and the Mystic Ward too
The Hall of Explorers and the Tinker Town crew
The roof is too high, the air is too dark
Its covered with lava and there isn’t a park
The men are all drunk and the women won’t wench
and the children are loopy cause they fell in a trench
The water is frozen and the king has no friends
And they wear lift boots and they think they’re Stormwind
In Ironforge, Dun Morogh

(Spoken)
“You know, actually I pretty much hate all of Dun Morogh!”
“Oh ya, me too!”

I hate Brewnall Village and Anvilmar
Amberstill, Coldridge, and Gol’Bolar
Frostmane sucks and the North Gate sucks
and Kharanos sucks and Gnomeregan sucks

I took a trip to Ironforge to visit Mistina Steelshield
She beat me up and she stole my cloth and she left me in a field
I went to Alterac Valley and was hit in the head by an Orc
(spoken)
I don’t even know how they did it. I mean, I was playing Guitar Hero at the time….

Dun Morogh sucks!

(spoken)
“Yup. Yknow, actually you know now I really think about it, I think I pretty much hate every gosh darn province and territory in the Alliance!”
“Well, except for Westfall”
“Ya, ya I love Westfall”
“It’s very nice, lots of cows and trees and rocks and dirt”

But

I hate Darnassus cause they look so weird
And Azuremyst Island is too small
Dustwallow Marsh is dumb ’cause its the name of a swamp
Gadgetzan doesn’t have a good mall
Hillsbrad is a warzone and it makes me mad
Dun Morogh sucks! Dun Morogh Sucks!

(spoken)
“Stranglethorn Vale has a population density of 4.9 people per quest objective — isn’t that stupid??”

The Plaguelands are boring and the people are dead
And as for the Redridge Mountains — they’re too red!

(Spoken)
“And the only good thing about the area of Elwynn Forest is that it’s right next to us”

‘Cause Westfall…..doesn’t suck
But Moonbrook does.

Here’s another song that’s likely to make sense only to my friends who play World of Warcraft. It’s also useful to know the song “The Toronto Song” by Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. To ease confusion on either of these points, I’ve provided a link to the source tune (thanks, YouTube!) and links to all the things referenced from WoW, courtesy of WoWWiki.

Accept No Substitutes

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On February 4, 2008

In Blog, Songs

Accept No Substitutes
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Wonderwall” by Oasis

This toy is totally the toy
That is gonna fill your every need
Watch now, you know it somehow
May accelerate to dang’rous speeds
I don’t believe that anybody
Knows exactly what it really is

Don’t touch, or look at it much
or breathe the vapor from its liquid core
Young, old, and pregnant girls are told
Not to hang around it anymore
I don’t believe that anybody
Knows exactly what it really is

And all these warning messages are binding
Stop using it if its effects are blinding
It is made of glowing stuff that fell to earth from space
Don’t know what it is

Don’t taunt it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
‘Cause after all
Its your happy fun ball

If it smokes, or if you start to choke
Run away from it and hide your head
By now, you ought to somehow
Realize that you should’ve fled
I don’t believe that anybody
Knows exactly what it really is

Just $14.95 will cause elation
This toy sensation’s sweeping through the nation
Even though you know it only rarely sticks to skin
Buy it anyhow

Don’t taunt it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
‘Cause after all
It’s your happy fun ball

Don’t taunt it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
‘Cause after all
It’s your happy fun ball

Don’t taunt it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
But you know you’re gonna really want it

A lot of times, I end up writing a filk for no other reason than a song getting stuck in my head and after a few repetitions starts to wander off in odd directions. Sometimes, I follow it down those odd directions and end up with something kinda cool.

I’d also like to, in advance, thank Oasis vocalist Liam Gallagher for his mutli-syllabic pronunciation of the word “wall”, which made this filk possible.

Country Response

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On October 10, 2007

In Blog, Songs

Country Response
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by Steve Goodman and John Prine

Well, it was all I could do to keep from dying
Somehow it seems I’m able to remain
You know I’ve always loved you for your body
Right now I only want you for your brain

You don’t have to call me George Romeo
You don’t have to call me James Gunn
You don’t have to call me Simon Pegg anymore
Even so, I think you’d better run

And I’ll chase you down as long as you run from me
I’ve never minded shamblin’ through the rain
You know I’ve always loved you for your body
Right now I only want you for your brain

Well, I polished off the dog for lunch this morning
So now you will not let me in your bed
I really hoped you wouldn’t notice I had changed
Before I started gnawing on your head.

And I’ll chase you down as long as you run from me
I’ve never minded shamblin’ through the rain
You know I’ve always loved you for your body
Right now I only want you for your brain

(Spoken: My friend Seanan McGuire wrote a song. She said it was the perfect Country & Western song. I said it was NOT the perfect Country and Western Song. It doesn’t mention mama. It doesn’t mention prison. There’s not a single train in it. And she said, “Dude, zombies.” Which is, I admit, a fair point.)

Well ever since I went and got myself infected
Ain’t nothing round this town that’s been the same
And I know I’ve never been the perfect husband
But is it fair to give me all the blame?

And I’ll chase you down as long as you run from me
I’ve never minded shamblin’ through the rain
You know I’ve always loved you for your body
Right now I only want you for your brain

This popped into my head in the shower this morning.

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