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The Last March of Gondor

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On January 1, 2004

In Songs

The Last March of Gondor
by Robert Wynne and Larissa March
Music: “Least of My Kind” by Cat Faber
© 2004

Armored in in battle mail,
Swearing we shall not fail,
Cursing, we ride to Mordor’s Door.
Men, elves and dwarves unite
Facing the Shadow’s might
Here is a challenge he can’t ignore!

Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

We fought and did not yield
Pelennor’s battlefield
Now we approach the Dark Lord’s gate
Sauron we will defy
Hoping to draw his eye
Far from the one who’ll decide our fate

Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

One day may tell the tale
Courage of men shall fail
That will not be this day, I swear
Look on me now, Dark Lord
Reforged, the broken sword
Thought you that Isildur had no heir?

Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

Ultimately, this song was inspired by a typo. Gwen Knighton was discussing the second album release of her band, Three Weird Sisters and accidently typed the title of the Cat Faber song “Least of My Kind” as “Least of My King”. That sparked the idea of an LOTR themed parody of that tune.

One of the nifty additions to the movie versions of Lord of the Rings is Aragorn’s “St. Crispin’s Day” speech, as the assembled Army of the West stands before the Gates of Mordor. I imagined how bards might remember that in song, and this was the result.

This is the first song that my wife Larissa and I wrote together. It was an enjoyable experience, and hopefully one we’ll repeat.

This song was published in the Conterpoint 2004 songbook, and in “Under Filk Wood”, the songbook for Interaction, the 2005 Worldcon in Glasgow.

Just In New Zealand

By

On January 1, 2004

In Songs

Just In New Zealand
by Robert Wynne
Music: “Only In Kenya”
© 2004

Where can you get temp jobs?
Just in New Zealand!
In New Zealand we got temp jobs!

Say you wanna make movies?
Just in New Zealand!
Got temp jobs and movies: Just in New Zealand!

(Forget Hollywood!)

New Zealand Oh, New Zealand!
Where the dwarves are and the Bree men!

New Zealand! Zealand Zealand Zealand!
New Zealand! Come to New Zealand
(Can you believe it?)

This was an instafilk inspired by a report that New Zealand’s economy had been bolstered by the huge number of temporary jobs the filming of Lord of the Rings had generated. It’s extremely silly, but so is the source tune.

Now, if only someone could animate it. *grin*

Glitter Breasts

By

On January 1, 2003

In Songs

Glitter Breasts]
by Robert Wynne
Music: “(Theme From) Spider-Man”
© 2003

Glitter breasts, Glitter breasts
Does whatever she wants with zest
See her boobs catch the light
Sparkly tits, what a sight!
Oh wow! Check out the glitter breasts

Is she cute? listen guy
She makes rain fall from the sky
Catch you down in the pool
Ride you like a pony, cool!
Woo-hoo, check out those glitter breasts!

In the heat of the night
On the dancefloor below
Watch her catching the light
She will shimmer and glow

Glitter breasts, Glitter breasts
Never doubt that she is the best
Shakes her ass, perfect size
Money-maker wins the prize

Oh yeah, whenever there’s a contest
She never causes unrest
Cheer for her glitter breasts!
There’s really not a lot to say about this song. Other than the fact that I know I will someday actually come face to face with Seanan again, and there will be a long awkward silence, after which I will stammer, in my best Jack Davenport voice, “I love you….”

Love ya, Seanan. *mwah*

We Will All Sin Together When We Sin

By

On January 1, 2002

In Songs

We Will All Sin Together When We Sin
by Robert Wynne and Martin DeMello
Music: “We Will All Go Together When We Go” by Tom Lehrer
© 2002

If you believe religious men
You ought to burn your bridges when
The company you keep would have you go astray
And you may have found it painful
When they looked at you disdainfully
And told you that you had to live their way
(But never matter)

When your friends all start to scurry
All those pious sounds of worry
Shall never give us reason to despair
For though they’re bound to make a fuss
When they throw the book at us
We’ll be having too much fun to really care

And we will all sin together when we sin
All the trouble that we can we will get in
No need to ask us twice sir
Because nothing could be nicer
We will all sin together when we sin

We will all fall together when we fall
We shall have ourselves an unrepentant ball
Heading straight towards damnation
At the slightest provocation
Yes we all will fall together when we fall

Oh, we will all lapse together when we lapse
We will round up all the lasses and the chaps
When it’s time to start transgressing
We find company a blessing
And we’ll party right until we all collapse!

Down by the old mill stream
We can cavort in pairs or teams….

And we will all moan together when we moan
And ensure that our intentions are well known
Enough talk about the weather
Let’s go roll out in the heather
There are subjects that are best not left alone

We will all snug together when we snug
On the bed and on the couch and on the rug
Give into our desire
And then stoke that inner fire
And end up looking really rather smug

We will all come together when we come
To the sound of heartbeats pounding like a drum
With a cry of ecstacy, we
Will all squeal with joyful glee
And the delight that everybody’s getting some!

And we will all sign our names for our respective Gehennas
For we know that’s where we’re heading with no time for I knew you whennas

Yes we will all sin together when we sin
Just prop the door and let the neighbours in
There’s no one who’s not a friend here
So just pick yourself an end dear
And we all will win together
When we all sin together
Yes we all will sin together when we sin
This one is all Teri Wachowiak’s fault. A large number of us were all hanging out on #filkhaven in order to avoid other tasks we should have been doing, and Teri said “Well, at least we can all sin together”, and boom, we were off to the races. Martin and I traded off verses then culled and rewrote until we had the finished product.

At least one person complained that the only sin the song seems to cover is lust. Well, what can I say. I like lust. <shrug>

Two Of Dave

By

On January 1, 2002

In Songs

Two of Dave
by Robert Wynne
Music: “Yesterday” by John Lennon & Paul McCartney
© 2002

Two of Dave
One to pass around, and one to save
For whenever you can’t fight that crave
It’s useful to have two of Dave

Suddenly
Dave is twice the man he used to be
Clone him one more time and you’d have three
To offer up for company

Which one is the clone?
Which is real? I couldn’t say.
They’re both just alike,
right down to the DNA

Two of Dave
One more than his lovely mother gave
And we give to both a joyous rave
review for two, who both are Dave
This was an instafilk that came out on #filkhaven. Dave Weingart was lamenting being unable to attend OVFF due to a scheduling conflict, and Heather Munn said she was continuing to “work on that cloning device, so there can be two of Dave”. This just sorta flowed out.

Rockin’ Argo

By

On January 1, 2002

In Songs

Rockin’ Argo
by Robert Wynne
Music: “Rockin’ Robin” (Bobby Day (by way of Tom Smith))
© 2002

When we pulled into Argo for some R and R
We set out to investigate each joint and bar
We thought we’d enjoy their hospitality
But found it wasnt geared for spacers such as we

Banned from Argo
Banned from Argo
Oh, Banned from Argo, they don’t want us at that port anymore…

(Bridge) Our brave captain’s dating methods were complex
Each partner was of a different world and sex
When the shore police came, we took our chance
Beamed him back aboard but we lost his pants

Our chief engineer was a champion sot
He outdrank the whole bar and that’s a lot
Our navigator finished up in second place
And parked his shuttle in the strangest place

Banned from Argo
Banned from Argo
Oh, Banned from Argo, they don’t want us at that port anymore…

(Bridge)
Our first officer was drugged by something green
And taught the bridge computer how to be obscene
The nurse went shopping in the potion mart
And came home naked with a cheerful heart

The doctor caused a riot and he went to jail
But we got him back aboard without a cent of bail
Our helmsmen went ashore with some odd plant life
And got tangled up with the gov’ners wife

Banned from Argo
Banned from Argo
Oh, Banned from Argo, they don’t want us at that port anymore…

(Bridge)
Oh a group of pirates came to do the town
but nobody noticed that they were around
When they came into the bar where we were that night
They took one look and ran away in fright

Our crew works hard and we’re Starfleets best
But we tend to leave a trail when we stop to rest
We’re sorry for the damage we did, you can bet
But now at least we’re sure that they won’t forget!

Banned from Argo
Banned from Argo
Oh, Banned from Argo, they don’t want us at that port anymore…

Normal filkers just write parodies to the tune of “Banned From Argo” Not me. I have to rewrite Argo to some other tune. This one was inspired by a challenge in rec.music.filk. Honestly, I think I did it better the first time

Plains of Nebraska

By

On January 1, 2002

In Songs

Plains of Nebraska
Words and Music by Robert Wynne
© 2002

Midwestern skies
Wind blows soft across the grassy land
Long winter nights
Moonlight shining down upon you
like a lantern in the fog

And can you hear it?
A lonely distant echo
Can you feel it?
The chill deep within your bones
Can you see it?
How the land can roll forever
‘Till it almost seems to fall into the sky?

There is truth you will find
in the strangest of places
in the unfamiliar faces
in an unsuspecting mind
There is truth there to see
You only have to ask a
man on the plains of Nebraska
and his words will set you free.

Do you recall
Why you wandered far away from home?
And have you found it
The solitary wisdom that comes
softly in the night?

Just remember
What you seek is more than home
Don’t forget now
The owl’s quiet cry
Heed the calling
For it may pass you just this once
And having passed you never come again

There is truth you will find
in the strangest of places
in the unfamiliar faces
in an unsuspecting mind
There is truth there to see
You only have to ask a
man on the plains of Nebraska
and his words will set you free.

Dawn is breaking
Light spills out across the cold dark sky
And you discover
A peace you’ve never known before
A quiet inner light

So you pack up
Leave the ground the way you found it
On your shoulders
Everything you’ve ever owned
And you look back
For a moment, just forever,
Then turn away and walk against the wind

There is truth you will find
in the strangest of places
in the unfamiliar faces
in an unsuspecting mind
There is truth there to see
You only have to ask a
man on the plains of Nebraska
and his words will set you free.

I wrote the chorus for this song a while back, and it sat in my ideas folder for a long time, because I really liked it, but I wasn’t sure what it was about. While looking through the various contents of that folder, i came across it and suddenly knew what the rest of the song was about.

This is a song about self-discovery and the search for meaning and purpose in life. All of us eventually go on this journey in one way or another, and what we find along the way shapes us in subtle ways we don’t always immediately recognize.

Terence Chua Could Filk It

By

On January 1, 2001

In Songs

Terence Chua Could Filk It
by Robert Wynne and Brenda Sutton
Music: “Christine Lavin Could Do It” by Cheryl Wheeler
© 2001

“It started with an idea but it got so out of hand
Now they scream for songs of Hastur to the tunes of Swedish Bands
I tell them that i’m over that, but they don’t really seem to see
That I’m sick of doing HPL, there has to be much more to me!”

They all scream “Terence Chua can filk it!
They all shout “Terence Chua’s the man!”
Well he crosses the Pacific just to sing his little song
It’s to the tune of “Waterloo” about the thousand young
Oh, Terence Chua could filk it!

I said “Hey listen up, that stuff is just a small part of the whole
I’d rather do some R&B, a little Fanboy Soul
I’ve moved on to other things now, Cthulhu’s not my only game!”
They all said “Sorry buster, but you know you’ve only got yourself to blame!”

And they scream “Terence Chua can filk it!
They all shout “Terrence Chua’s the man!”
Well he crosses the Pacific just to sing his little song
It’s to the tune of “Waterloo” about the thousand young
Oh, Terence Chua could filk it!

I grabbed my ukelele and ran screaming down the hall.
They trapped me in the filkroom and they pinned me to the wall
Shouting, “Sing Nyarlathotep or we’ll force feed you on bad bok choy.
You are the Bard of ol’ Cthulhu and we’re just your little Fan Boy Toys!”

And they scream “Terence Chua can filk it!
They all shout “Terrence Chua’s the man!”
Well he crosses the Pacific just to sing his little song
It’s to the tune of “Waterloo” about the thousand young
Oh, Terence Chua could filk it!

Terence Chua was the Interfilk guest to the Ohio Valley Filk Festival in 2001, the same year as my good friends Three Weird Sisters were the Guests of Honor. Some time before the con, Terence made the comment to me that he was tired of people only knowing him for his Lovecraft/ABBA parodies, and thinking that was all he did.

So we hatched a plot. I came up with an idea for a song about Terence, and Brenda and I wrote it. At the end of their Guest of Honor concert, the Sisters called Terence up on the stage, sat him in a chair, facing the audience, and proceeded to perform the song while Erica Neely, Jodi Krangle, and Debbie Ridpath Ohi all played fawning fangirls around him. Daniel Glasser got photographs. (Use the arrow keys to scroll through the photos, and the Home button to return to this page.)

This song inspired David Rood’s I Wanna Be Filked By the Three Weird Sisters, and was published in the ConCertino 2003 sonbook.

Sauron

By

On January 1, 2001

In Songs

Sauron
by Robert Wynne
(Thanks to Dave Weingart for the second half of verse 1)
Music: “Do Ron Ron” by the Crystals
© 2001

He rose up out of Mordor and the sky turned black,
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron
He sent his Orcish raiders for the Ring to track
A Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Yeah….his shadow hand
Stretched…..out across the land
Best….to avoid his eye
A Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Gandalf said the One Ring was his key to power
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron
If he could regain it he would rule the hour
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Out….of Rivendell
To….the brink of Hell
We’re….off to destroy the Ring
of Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Sam and Frodo journeyed to the Cracks of Doom
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron
Threw it in the fire not a bit too soon
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Yeah…..the rings unmade
So…..the world was saved
And…never more we’ll fear
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron
A bit of silliness that came out of a long afternoon on #filkhaven. I tossed out the first half of the first verse, and Dave Weingart tossed out the second half, and I thought “Hey, that’s not a bad idea” and quickly finished it. This one is an infectious sing-along, and always helps bring the mood of a circle up.

This song was published in Xenofilkia #78 and the Gafilk 2003 songbook.

Novel Man

By

On January 1, 2001

In Songs

Novel Man
by Robert Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
Music: “Nowhere Man” by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
© 2001

He’s a real novel man
living off his long-time fans
writing long complex stories
that don’t end

Plots that are long and absurd
Two hundred ninety thousand words
Can it be he’s never heard of
Brevity

Novel man, please hasten
Up that scene, time’s wastin’
Novel man
The advance has long since been spent

Got multiple points of view
Subplots and pointless verse too
Does he think we’ve nothing else
to read

Long winded as he can be
Series come in groups of three
I wonder if we’ll ever see
the end of it

Novel man, please end it
It’s much harder to defend it
Novel man, It once was so promising
Now it’s a joke

He’s a real novel man
Doesn’t have a master plan
And his series rolls on to
Infinity

He may write this series for infinity!
This song isn’t about one particular writer, but could easily be applied to any number of authors currently mining the low grade ore out of the science fiction and fantasy mine. There’s some really good deposits down deep and off the main shaft, but some folks manage to get rich selling the same stuff off the top over and over again.

Oh well, they keep printing them. I guess SOMEBODY’S gotta read them.

This song was published in the Gafilk 2006 songbook.

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