Overheard just now in our house:
“Dayna, you cannot gain the knowledge of humans by eating their magazines!”
Tag: amusements Page 6 of 17
Iowa Not Like Dar Williams Song, Report Disappointed Lesbians
Three lesbians on a cross-country road trip were disappointed to find that the state of Iowa bore little resemblance to the Dar Williams song that they had belted as they crossed the border from Illinois.
“Where are the hills of Iowa that are supposed to make me wish I had a way with women?” demanded driver Rebecca Lally. “This place is total flatlands.”
Her passengers were also underwhelmed by the Hawkeye state. “I thought maybe once we got to Des Moines, we would start to see some sort of feminist folk song magic,” said Latonya Brewer. “Sadly, I was wrong. The indoor walkways were kind of cool, though.”
“Maybe we built it up too much in our heads,” said Lally, who reported that the friends had first begun fantasizing about Iowa after attending a Dar Williams concert at Wellesley College in the fall of 2001. “I mean, it was okay and everything, but I wouldn’t write a song about it.”
“I thought Iowa would help me find a way to say ‘I love you’ to Latonya,” confessed passenger Hillary Uxbridge. “I had it all planned out in my head. I would tell her, and then she’d say that she feared that to fall in love with me would be to fall from a great and gruesome height. And then we would make out.”
“But when we were in Cedar Rapids, Latonya went off with some chick she met at the motorcycle museum,” lamented Uxbridge. “I’d say that she was wandering out on the hills of Iowa and not thinking of me, except I still haven’t seen any hills. Things with me and Latonya are just the same as they were in Ohio. Screw it. I’m listening to Metallica for the rest of the trip.”
Concluded Lally, “Overall, Iowa’s been kind of a letdown. All I can say is, Nebraska better live up to the Springsteen song.”
During an IM conversation with hejira2006, this popped out of nowhere:
FRANKLIN: “That John Adams is one bad motherf—”
JEFFERSON, BARTLETT, and LIVINGSTON: “Shut yo mouth!”
FRANKLIN: “I’m just talkin’ about John Adams!”
DICKINSON: “He’s a complicated man, and no one understands him…”
WILSON: “But his woman?”
DICKINSON: No, seriously. *No one* understands him”
Conversation between myself and kitanzi this morning:
autographedcat: (lying across the bed, stretching my back): I want a medieval torture rack for my birthday.
kitanzi: Um….sure.
autographedcat: I want it to help stretch out my back.
kitanzi: But where would we put it?
autographedcat: Yeah, that’s always the problem with exercise equipment.
Today in Creative Loafing, there was a sidebar article about a new DVD series designed to help parents get their toddlers well indoctrinated to follow the right university sports:
“I’m pregnant.” “I’m getting a tattoo.” “His name is Snake, and we’re in love.”
Those are all words most parents dread. But if you went to the University of Georgia, there is one phrase above all others you don’don’t want to hear from your teenager: “I’m enrolling at Florida.”
Up until now, there was only so much parents could do to instill in their children a love of all things UGA. You could take them to games,make them listen to Larry Munson, teach them the Bulldog fight song.But in the end, you just had to trust that you had raised them right.
Now Bulldog parents have a secret weapon. A company called Team Baby Entertainment has released a DVD called Baby Bulldog, which “allows parents, grandparents, alumni and friends to share their love, loyalty and passion for their university with their children.”
The DVD is targeted toward babies and toddlers and uses Sesame Street tactics to “teach” kids just how great it is to be a Bulldog.The video features young children dressed up in UGA costumes, and footage of the university’s sports teams, mascot and marching band “to expose children to the university in an exciting and playful manner.”Translation: If you’re desperate for your kid to follow in your footsteps and you’re not above brainwashing, this DVD is for you.
Didn’t attend UGA? Don’t worry, Team Baby Entertainment makes DVDs for parents from a variety of large universities, including LSU,Auburn, Florida State and — sorry, UGA fans — Florida.
A product which nicely fills a much-needed gap.
Elsewhere on LJ today, cjdoyle shared some of his Viagra-themed spam in a friends-locked entry, prompting this insta-filk. I hope you enjoy it…i spent minutes writing it:
The Love Pill
TTTO: (Theme From) The Love Boat
Love, Exciting and new
Pop the pill. She’s waiting for you
Love, life’s sweetest reward
Get it up, it stays up for you
Viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiagra
Soon you’ll be ploughing another field
Viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiagra
Four hours of fun just one dose will yield
Set a course for erection
Your mind on a new romance
Love won’t hurt anyone
See her open legs on a friendly bed
Yes LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!
It’s LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!
…
I’ll get me coat…
For those of you who have never seen it, Woot.Com is a website that traffics in a variety of items, usually selling one item per day at a large discount over normal retail. The stuff they offer tends by and large to be geek-tech oriented (computers, AV equipment, with the occasional oddkin tossed in for variety).
Tonight, while popping through, I saw this, prompting the following conversation:
kitanzi: What is that?
autographedcat: It’s a computer accessory set shaped like frogs. See: keyboard, mouse, and speakers. Frogs.
kitanzi: They keyboard isn’t shaped like a frog. No wait, it is.
autographedcat: Yeah, see – there’s the eyes, and there’s its little hands.
kitanzi: Roadkill frog, more like.
autographedcat: Maybe that’s why the mouse and the speakers look so alarmed. <does South Park voices> “Oh my God, they killed Kenny!” “You BASTARDS!”
Joe, I think I found some evidence of one of your past lives. 🙂
Dave Blazek’s Loose Parts
So, kitanzi and I were snuggling in bed, in preparation for going to sleep, and discussing random things that were on our mind, and the conversation turned to the phenomenon surrounding the upcoming movie Snakes on a Plane:
autographedcat: You, the best part about all this buzz is….if you’d tried to actually manufacture it…
kitanzi: You couldn’t, it’d go nowhere.
autographedcat: Exactly.
kitanzi: How much you want to bet they make a sequel and it goes nowhere.
autographedcat: Well, sure. Where do you go after “Snakes on a plane”? Snakes on a boat? Snakes on a bus?
kitanzi: Snakes in a house?
autographedcat: Snakes on a Space Shuttle?
kitanzi: Now you’re just being silly.
autographedcat: Snakes on a lunar module?
At this point, we look at each other, and in unison, shout “Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakes Innnnnnnnnn Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!”
I love my wife. She’s my kind of weird.
Amusing conversation just now in #filkhaven:
(10:19:39) *Beige_Work:* I suspect I should keep my hands out of Vargo’s pockets….
(10:21:17) *Hilary:* But what has it got in it’s pocketsesss, Golum?
(10:23:06) *doc:* Cheese, Gollum!
(10:23:15) *Gwen:* It’s the wrong trousers, Gollum! 😉
(10:23:16) *doc:* (Crossovers that Should Not Be #1432)
(10:23:42) *vargo_work:* Cracking ring, Gollum!
(10:24:00) *Gwen:* Oh, bad, bad, bad.
(10:24:02) *Gwen:* BAd.
(10:24:06) *Hilary:* Then where’s the WereRabbit?
(10:24:13) ****vargo_work* wants to see/read Wallace and Gollum now.
When I was a kid, I loved Choose Your Own Adventure books. I had a huge stack of them, and enjoyed seeing how many different ways I could make the story come out.
I never had any of these titles in my collection, but I surely wish I had. (Warning: Not entirely safe for work).
Has to be free, no one’s gonna pay me for these ideas.
New, from the people who brought you The Muppet Show, the latest in a line of musical biography documentaries, featuring the Muppets as famous artists, authors, and world leaders. First up, in the series, Fozzie Bear is Roald Dahl in “Wonka! Wonka! Wonka!”
…
I’ll get me coat…