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Sour Grapes

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On October 27, 2016

In Songs

Sour Grapes
(or, Reflections on George Lucas’s comments about the new Star Wars film)
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Send in the Clowns” by Stephen Sondheim

Doesn’t it suck?
Don’t you agree
This film that everyone’s praising
Wasn’t by me
Send in the clones.

Isn’t it sick?
Isn’t it sad?
Everyone loves this new Star Wars
It makes me mad.
Where are the clones?
Send in the clones

Just when I’d stopped
changing the score
Finally selling
the rights for billions more
Walking the carpet again
With my usual strut
Sure of my place
No one asks, but…

What have I wrought?
Jar Jar was panned
I thought that you’d want what I want
Sorry, my fans
But where are the clones?
Quick, send in the clones!
Don’t bother, new plans

Aren’t I rich?
Is that not enough?
Seeing that Abrams succeeded
where I failed is rough
And where are the clones?
There ought to be clones?
Well, maybe next film…

Pass The Sage

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On October 26, 2016

In Songs

Pass the Sage
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Turn the Page” by Bob Seger

In a spacious TV studio, east of Tokyo
You can listen to the sous chefs as they scurry to and fro
And you wonder if tonight you’ll make an ice cream out of roe

And your thoughts will soon be focused on your culinary lore
When the chairman calls the challenger to step out on the floor
And you wonder if this night will be just like the nights before

Oh, here I am, stirring the wok again
There I am, watching the gauge
Here I go….racing the clock again
There I go…pass the sage

You walk into the stadium, and you stand upon the height
And you feel his eyes upon you, as he chooses you to fight
And another kitchen battle’s on; What will we cook tonight?

Sometimes you can’t hear ’em talk, other times you can
All those same old clichés: is that pudding, or a flan?
And you’re almost out of flour, but still you make it stand

Oh, here I am….Stirring the wok again
There I am, watching the gauge
Here I go….racing the clock again
There I go…pass the sage

From the moment that the grill is fired until the plates are served
All your skills and your talents are a legacy preserved
You cook to prove your iron reputation is deserved

Later, when the tastings done, and the compliments are shared
The chairman counts the ballot and the victor is declared
You know another challenge waits, and you will be prepared

Oh, here I am….Stirring the wok again
There I am, watching the gauge
Here I go….racing the clock again
There I go…there I go…

One new song debuted in my Orycon set in 2015. I actually wrote this a while ago, but decided not to post it until after I’d sung it in the wild somewhere, and that was the first time I had the chance.

Many people have written Iron Chef songs. This one is mine.

The Shining Wit

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On October 19, 2016

In Songs

The Shining Wit
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Act Naturally” by Johnny Russell and Voni Morrison

I’m gonna get myself a girlfriend
I’m gonna go make all these women see
That I’m a man who knows how to explain things
And all I gotta say is “Well, actually…”

I promise you that I know all about it
I’m quite an expert, you can surely tell
Don’t worry your pretty head about it
‘Cause I can make it simple as well

I know you’ll nod and see that I am right, here.
And jump into my arms and softly squee
You’ll fall for me the moment that I step up
To interrupt you, saying, “Well, actually…”

Yet somehow I wind up sad and lonely
It makes me so mad; I just cannot see
I know that I did nothing to deserve this
The only thing I said was “Well, actually…”

I promise you that I know all about it
I’m quite an expert, you can surely tell
Don’t worry your pretty head about it
‘Cause I can make it simple as well

I guess that she was just another hater
But I will get a girl eventually
She will not be able to resist me
When I interrupt her saying “Well, actually…”

Many thanks to Twitter user David Ballard (@dvdbllrd) for the inspiration for this.

Inclement Weather Advisory

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On February 24, 2015

In Songs

Inclement Weather Advisory
by Rob Wynne and Jeff Williams
TTTO: “A Kind Of Hush” by Herman’s Hermits

There’s a kind of slush
All over the road, today
All over the road you can hear the sound
Of fast-skidding cars
Watch out for that tree!

Let’s the two of us
Stay inside the house, today
I don’t want to go out and get in the way
of fast-skidding cars

Now listen very carefully
Come closer and see cars sliding into the ditch
Hey, ain’t that a bitch?
The only sound that you will hear
is when the cars begin to skid and career
Roll over and over

There’s a kind of slush
All over the road, today
All over the road you can hear the sound
Of fast-skidding cars

Fa la-la la-la la-la
Fa-la la-la la-la la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la la-la-la
Fa la-la la-la

Now listen very carefully
Come closer and see cars sliding into the ditch
Hey, ain’t that a bitch?
The only sound that you will hear
is when the cars begin to skid and career
Roll over and over

There’s a kind of slush
All over the road, today
All over the road you can hear the sound
Of fast-skidding cars
Of fast-skidding cars
Of fast-skidding cars

A Better Plan

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On March 22, 2014

In Songs

A Better Plan
by Rob Wynne
Music:  “Let It Go” by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez (from Disney’s “Frozen”)

The weather outside is frightful tonight
But this fire is very nice
And there’s no place I need to be
out in the frozen ice
The wind is blowing and
The snow piles up in drifts
So let’s just stay here, wrap our Christmas gifts

We can’t go out, let’s just stay in
There’s no need to brave the howling din
Stay warm, no storm can harm us here
The answer’s clear

Let it snow, let it snow
It shows no sign of stopping
Let it snow, let it snow
I brought some corn for popping
There’s nowhere
That we need to be
Turn the lights down low
Curl up on the sofa here next to me

Every so often, an idea for a parody shows up that won’t go away, but there really isn’t enough there to justify parodying the entire song.  These are called “show stoppers” because they typically only run up to the point that you hit the punchline of the joke, and then end.

Larissa and I finally got around to seeing Disney’s “Frozen” (which is excellent, and you should watch it), and this came into my mind and wouldn’t go away, so i finally sat down and wrote it.  It’s finished; there’s only the one verse and chorus. 

Do Ragna-wop

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On February 21, 2014

In Songs

Do Ragna-wop
By Rob Wynne
TTTO:  “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by Solomon Linda

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

In the longboat, the freezing longboat
The Vikings sail tonight
Towards the tundra, the frozen tundra
The Vikings sail tonight

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

Against the giants, the mighty giants,
The Vikings fight tonight
For Odin’s glory, eternal glory
The Vikings fight tonight

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

In Valhalla, golden Valhalla
The Vikings drink tonight
‘Till the fighting, tomorrow’s fighting
The Vikings drink tonight

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

Inspired by a USA Today article which proclaimed that according to the Viking calendar, the world was going to end on Saturday.  So tonight we’re going to party like it’s 799.

Upon The Fields Of Catnip

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On January 16, 2014

In Songs

Upon The Fields Of Catnip
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Fields of Gold” by Sting

You’ll remember how I would always purr upon the fields of catnip
You’ll forget the spot where I used to sleep as we play with balls of yarn

So the time to go was a time I chose upon the fields of catnip
In her arms I slipped through the summer door to play with balls of yarn

“Won’t you stay with me? Must you leave so soon to roam the fields of catnip?
All these years you’ve gazed from your lofty perch and played with balls of yarn”

But the quiet calls and it’s time to go upon the fields of catnip.
Feel my body still as I slip away to play with balls of yarn

“I never sent you away lightly
and there have been times I regretted
But I thought you’d be there waiting to play with balls of yarn
We’ll play with balls of yarn”

Now a year has gone and I still run free upon the fields of catnip
Let a kitten romp through my favourite haunts and play with balls of yarn

You’ll remember how I would always purr upon the fields of catnip
I’ll be waiting here, ’till we meet again, and we’ll play with balls of yarn
We’ll play with balls of yarn
We’ll play with balls of yarn

It’s been a little over a year now since we lost Dayna.  Earlier today, I saw on Facebook that a friend’s beloved pet had crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and someone commented that he was “running around in fields of catnip now”, and this just poured out.  I still miss you, you weird furry little kitty.

Moss Bliss performed this song as part of a 2×10 set at Gafilk in 2018.

Foggy Duet

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On December 23, 2013

In Songs

Foggy Duet
by Rob Wynne
(TTTO: “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” by Frank Loesser)

I really can’t stay
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
I’ve got to go away
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
This evening has been
(We should lock ourselves in)
So very nice
(I wish you would take my advice)
My mother will start to worry
(The visibility’s blurry)
And father will be pacing the floor
(Listen to the night creatures roar)
So I really should scurry
(They really seem to be in a fury)
But maybe half a drink more
(You grab a gun and I’ll bar the door)

The neighbours might think
(Baby, it’s mad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink?
(No hope to be had out there)
I wish I knew how
(Eyes shine in the darkness now)
To break this spell
(Sure, I wish I knew that as well)
I ought to say no, no, no, sir
(Fetch that gun from my holster)
At least I’m going to say that I tried
(In the morning, you’re sure to have died)
I really can’t stay
(No, baby, don’t go out)
Ah, but there’s fog outside (Baby, there’s fog outside)

I simply must go
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
The answer is no
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
This welcome has been
(It’s lucky that you dropped in)
So very warm
(Look out the window at that swarm)
My sister will be suspicious
(Those creatures probably think you’re delicious)
My brother will be at the door
(Eldritch creatures dripping with gore)
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious
(I’m reasonably sure they’re malicious)
Well, maybe just a cigarette more
(That will kill you slower, I’m sure)

I’ve got to get home
(But you’ll catch your death out there)
Say, lend me your comb
(You’ll draw your last breath out there)
You’ve really been grand
(Need to take a stand)
But don’t you see?
(It’s best if you stay here with me)
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
(There might not even be a tomorrow)
At least there will be plenty implied
(If everyone else hasn’t died)
I really can’t stay
(But I’ve got serious doubts)
Ah, but there’s fog outside (Baby, there’s fog outside)

Because, surely, Night Vale Community Radio plays seasonal music for the holidays.

The Tacos Of Shame

By

On December 19, 2013

In Songs

The Tacos of Shame
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” (16th century English carol)

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

Alone In my car
at the Office Bazaar
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

My throat it now burns
My stomach it churns
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

I’ve just me to blame
For my terrible shame
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

This is a bit of an inside joke for the Frogpants/Tadpool community.  I don’t think it requires a ton of context to understand what happened in this simple cautionary tale, though.  Merry Christmas, Mr. Johnson.

My brain is a strange place

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On December 3, 2013

In Blog

A few months ago, we had a member of the group I hang out with on Facebook leave the group because he wanted to avoid spoilers1 for Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead.  Since the latter show just ended its half-season and is going on hiatus, he rejoined the group and announced he had returned.  I replied “Welcome back!” and then, as I reflexively do whenever I say those two words, appended “Your dreams were your ticket out.”  It’s just a thing I do.

Somehow, the juxtaposition of the theme from Welcome Back, Kotter and Breaking Bad stayed in my head, and a few minutes later I posted this:

For your consideration:

A 1970s era remake of “Breaking Bad” starring Gabe Kaplan and Ron Palillo.

One commenter noted that Ron Palillo sadly passed away not too long ago; I was aware of that, but somehow it was much funnier to me that our Jesse substitute was Horshack rather than any of the other Sweathogs.23 And, really, it might have ended there, but my friend Joey chimed in “With a theme by John Sebastian”.

At first, I tried to imagine how Sebastian might render Dave Porter’s brilliant Breaking Bad theme, but then I realised I was coming at it backwards.  The following just wrote itself:

Breaking Bad 
Your cancer was just an excuse
Breaking Bad
You always wanted to slip the noose

Well your dreams never were what you’d hoped they’d be
Now you’re out on the res in an old RV

Who’d have thought they’d come true
(Who’d have thought they’d come true)
Crystalised in ice blue
(Crystalised in ice blue)

Well, he’ll prob’ly wind up dead
‘Cause he’s in over his head
Breaking Bad
Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad

I really haven’t a clue what to do with this idea, but it’s continuing to entertain me.

  1. The longruning debate over when its okay to post spoilers into an open space continues to weary me, since, as I’ve posted about multiple times, it’s largely a question of manners. ↩

  2. I later decided that Vinnie and Epstein would be Badger and Skinny Pete, respectively.  Mr. Woodman is Gus Fring. Not sure there’s a good analogue in this scenario for Freddie. ↩

  3. ETA:  No, Boom-boom Washington is Skinny Pete.  Vinnie is Combo.  That works better. ↩

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