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The Ballad Of The Swingman

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On November 14, 2013

In Songs

The Ballad of The Swingman
by Rob Wynne and Jeff Williams
TTTO: “Wichita Lineman” by Jimmy Webb

I am a swing man for the Rockies
And I have no workflow
Waiting for the call
To enter and to throw
I see the batter and the catcher
I send a fastball, low inside
And the Cardinals first baseman
Hits it right down the line

I’d like this game to wrap up early
But it don’t look like rain
With extra innings our bullpen won’t ever take the strain
And we need more hits than strikeouts
And we strike out all the time
And the Cardinals first baseman
Hits it right down the line

And we need more hits than strikeouts
And we strike out all the time
And the Cardinals first baseman
Hits it right down the line

This is just a fun little insta that Jeff and I bantered in an IM conversation. (We have conversations like this all the time. Don’t you?)

The original song this is a parody of, “Wichita Lineman”, contains one of the greatest lyrics of any love song ever written. Click on the link above if you’ve never heard it.

The Folsom Connection

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On November 13, 2013

In Blog, Songs

Over in the Tadpool group on Facebook, there’s a thread on the topic of “What’s your favourite song to sing in the shower?”  One of the commenters wrote: “That’s a tough one I don’t know if I have a favorite… I will sing anything from Johnny Cash, Folsom Prisom1 Rainbow Connection.”

Being a filker, of course…and a filker fresh off a con where my creative brain is already in gear, the following just fell out of my head:

Why are there so many songs about prisons
And people who are inside?
I’m stuck in this one because once in Reno
I shot a man to watch him die
I guess, in hindsight, I kind of deserve it
It wasn’t a nice thing to do
But as that train rumbles past old Folsom Prison
I can’t help but cry, wouldn’t you?

I’m not sure there’s really a point in going further with it; the joke is complete at the end of the first verse.2 I really need to start a file just for little show-stoppers like this one.

  1. Quipped another:  “Folsom Prism is my Johnny Cash ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ cover album.  I’d pay serious money for that album.  Serious money. ↩

  2. As Bill Sutton taught me:  “Short is good.  Funny is good.  Short and funny is best. ↩

Son Of A Son Of A Vor Lord

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On November 10, 2013

In Songs

Son of a Son of a Vor Lord
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Son Of A Son Of A Sailor” by Jimmy Buffett

As the son of a son of a Vor lord
I went out into space for excitement
I set out to bamboozle a captain and crew
By pretending I’m some sort of pirate

As a schemer of tactics and a student of war
I make up my plans as I go
Read many accounts about soldiers and Counts
It was all that I needed to know

Son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor Lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

With a fleet of my own in a distant war zone
I crafted a brand new persona
I can shake the hand of the ImpSec man
While he pretends he doesn’t know me

And my lady was born on Station Kline
Floating out in the space lanes
Fast on her feet, runs the whole fleet
And her beauty is matched by her brains

Preparing to race through the wormholes in space
Our forefathers mapped out before us
Feel the hull thrum as the jump engines hum
And see what is waiting there for us

Wherever I go, I’ll find trouble I know
In deep space, or the Dendarii mountains
I don’t stop to reflect about what happens next
At least I didn’t end up an accountant

But a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

I’m just a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
My honour is bound to the Emperor’s crown
And I know I will not die of boredom

I started writing this song five or six years ago, and got stuck in the middle because I wasn’t even sure at what point in the series the song was set.  I put it away and ran across the notes on it recently while tidying up some old folders, and suddenly i knew what I needed to do with it.

This is based on Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkoskigan Saga, and specifically is set sometime before Memory, but after Miles has had time to establish himself with the Dendarii mercenaries.  So, maybe sometime around Brothers in Arms or Borders of Infinity.

I debuted this song in my concert set at Orycon 35 in Portland, Oregon.

Boba Fett Isn’t Dead

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On June 18, 2013

In Blog, Songs

Boba Fett Isn’t Dead
TTTO: “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus

Red on green Mandalore armor
Back on the track

Boba Fett isn’t dead
The hunter left the sarlaac pit
The Jedi have all fled
Skywalker downs the sand skiff

Boba Fett isn’t dead
Boba Fett isn’t dead
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!

The bounty hunters file past his tomb
Strewn with time’s lost contracts
Adrift in spacial slip
Alone on a darkened ship
The clone

Boba Fett isn’t dead
Boba Fett isn’t dead
Boba Fett isn’t dead
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!
Not dead!

Oh Boba
Boba’s not dead
Oh Boba
Boba’s not dead

Boba’s not dead
Oh Boba
Boba’s not dead
Oh Boba

Boba Fett is an interesting character. He has about 20 minutes of screen time and five lines of dialogue in the original Star Wars trilogy, and still became one of its most enduring and popular characters. I can’t really think of anything else quite like it in popular culture.

If you’re like me and your Star Wars knowledge is primarily limited to the films, you may be unaware of the complex storyline that Boba Fett is at the centre of. In particular, you may not be aware that the character did not die in “Return of the Jedi”, but in fact escaped his fate and went on to have many more significant adventures in what is called the “Expanded Universe” of Star Wars lore.

I don’t recall with whom I was chatting about Star Wars (though I have a vague memory it was either Bryan Provost or Nigel Cox), but their reaction to my comment about Fett dying in RotJ was a forceful “Boba Fett isn’t dead!”, which managed to connect to the iconic refrain of this classic Bauhaus song. Not sure what to do with it, it sat in my unfinished songs folder for weeks, until the rest of it presented itself to me.

If you’re unfamiliar with the original tune and want to skip to the bit that has words in, jump to the 2:50 minute mark of the video linked above.

UPDATE (2020):  In a curious twist of fate, the TV series “The Mandalorian” has made this song canon. 🙂

Party Of Four

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On June 14, 2013

In Blog, Songs

Party of Four
by Rob Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
TTTO: “All Along The Watchtower” by Bob Dylan

I just don’t see a way into here
Said the cleric to the thief
This keep is too well defended
With its iron and stone motif
All these walls are much too high
The courtyard far too wide
Unless you’ve somehow learned how to fly
There is no way inside

No reason to get discouraged
The thief he softly spoke
There are many doors to pass through
And all these locks are but a joke
But you and I, we’ve fought the hordes
their treasure is our due
So let us not speak loudly now
It’s time to sneak on through

Down below the watchtower
There was a secret door
While the guardsmen paced and prowled
Inside slipped the four

Deep inside the cold dungeon
A wandering monster passed
The warrior pulled out his sword
And the mage began to cast

Another Dungeons and Dragons filk, this one started by Jeff with the opening lines, which he sent me in an instant message a few weeks ago.  While the song is by Dylan, the filk is most certainly of Jimi Hendrix’s iconic cover.  Now if only I could actually play it like that. 🙂

Don’t Cry, My Dear, Have A Cracker

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On March 26, 2012

In Blog, Songs

Don’t Cry, My Dear, Have A Cracker
(Or, “I Always Swore I’d Never Be One Of Those Parents”)
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina” (Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Weber)

You are unhappy
I don’t know why
And I try to work out how you feel
But you cannot speak words
You just sit there and cry
You don’t believe me
When I say that
It will all be okay
Although you are fed, warm, and dry
I guess it’s just that time of day

You threw aside your bottle
You’ve just been changed
Couldn’t spend your whole day on my lap
Looking out of the window
Taking naps in the sun
So you chose screaming
Running around grabbing everything near
But nothing could calm you at all
And so my last resort is clear

Don’t cry, my dear, have a cracker
It has cheese on, and some salami
It was an hors d’oeuvre
Made for a party
But you can eat one
There’s no one looking

As for nutrition and all that jazz
At this point I really don’t care
You can eat the whole tray
If that’s what you desire
At least you’re quiet
And if you remain still
And promise to nap
Then we can have ice cream for lunch
And soda and all of that crap

Don’t cry, my dear, have a cracker
It has cheese on, and some salami
It was an hors d’oeuvre
made for a party
But you can eat them
There’s no one looking

Have I done too much?
There’s nothing left here, I can’t feed you any more
But all you have to do
Is look at me and cry
And I’ll run to the store…

Inspired in small part by a conversation with Brooke. No actual children were fed inappropriate foods in the making of this song, though a sandwich may or may not have been misappropriated…

Inevitable Parody

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On July 21, 2010

In Blog

National Public Radio recently posted a poll to determine the 100 Best Thriller Novels of all time, based on recommendations from their listeners. Much to her surprise and delight, seananmcguire discovered that her book FEED had made the top 200 list and was eligible in the reader poll for the top 100.

Some people in the comments complained that they couldn’t get the poll to come up properly, due to filtering software at their location. kyburg commented “I’ve refreshed so many times I’m the $#@%! Old Spice Man.”

And my brain went click.

So here, for your enjoyment, is the Isaiah Mustafa Old Spice commercial I imagine for Mira Grant’s novel, FEED:

“Hello, readers. Look at your book. Now back to me. Now back at your book. Now back to me. Sadly, you aren’t me, but if you stopped reading trashy airport novels and switched to FEED by Mira Grant, you could be well-read like me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on the beach with the person you could be as well read as. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it; it’s an epidemiology textbook with an explanation of the science behind the Kellis-Amberlee virus. Look again, the textbook is now a DVD of the future Rosemary and Rue movie. Anything is possible when you read FEED by Mira Grant. I’m on a velociraptor.”

In honour of today’s weather…

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On May 3, 2010

In Blog

Today has been awful and rainy and altogether too wet. In that spirit, I present to you a classic children’s tale, updated for modern times…

The Eensy-Weensy Spider
by Rob Wynne (autographedcat) and Dina Hess (onmeadmountain)

The eensy-weensy spider went up the waterspout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain….
No, wait. The sun, seeing how hopeless the task was, just went right back in again.
Meanwhile, the eensy-weensy spider, suddenly in possession of a great deal of marshland, parceled it all up and sold it, making a fortune on securitized credit swap derivatives before the bottom of the market fell out, and retired to Aruba where he would no longer have to put up with this nonsense.

The End

STORY: The Fundamental Things Apply

By

On May 29, 2009

In Blog

Well, the votes came in, and I actually ended up winning the flash contest I mentioned in my last post. I’m really pleased, because this is the first complete (albeit short) fiction I’ve written in some time.

If you’re interested, the story I wrote is

Read More

Karazhan Tonight

By

On December 4, 2008

In Blog, Songs

Karazhan Tonight
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Comedy Tonight” by Stephen Sondheim

Epics drop for us
Badges of Justice
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight!

Attuman’s crossbow
Malchezaar’s longbow
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight!

Nothing but ghosts, nothing that’s real
Clear out Morose then sit for a meal

Dance with the undead
Tier 4 for your head
Ten bosses for the raid to fight!
Serpentshrine tomorrow
Karazhan tonight!

Two tanks, three healers
Five damage dealers
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight

Uni-mind Headdress
Quick break to play chess
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight

Shade of Aran’s the Master’s sire
Only this one time: stand in the fire

Maiden’s been cleaned up
Opera is next up
Hope it isn’t Romulo tonight!
Bring up the curtain
Karazhan tonight!

Boots of Fortelling
Bands of Indwelling
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonignt!

Illhoof has gold chains
Charred earth from Nightbane
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight!

[Entire raid]
Epics drop for us
Badges of Justice
Something for everyone
in Karazhan tonight!

Each drops an upgrade
Repair bill prepaid

[Raid leader]
Something for everyone!

[Entire raid]
Karazhan tonight!

[Healer]
Nothing too hard

[Tank]
Grinding reprieve

[Raid leader]
Go get your key from Master Medivh

[Women]
Four hours clears it

[Men]
And it appears it’s

[All]
Full of purple loot that’s out of sight!

[Priest]
Pantaloons and Pendants!

[Shaman]
Drape of the Mysticant!

[Warrior]
The King’s Defender!

[Druid]
Mitts of Treemender!

[Rogue]
Malchazeen!

[Hunter]
Garona’s Ring!

[Warrior]
Decapitator!

[Mage]
Capacitor!

[Druid]
Forest Lord!

[Warlock]
Waist cord!

[Mage]
Rings!

[Shaman]
Kings!

[Raid leader]
Gauntlets!
Leggings!
Badges!
Tokens!

[Entire Raid]
All of this gear is somewhat antique
And we’ll be back Tuesday next week!

It’s old and dusty
Some of it’s rusty
But the treasure’s certain to delight!
Tempest Keep tomorrow
Karazhan tonight!

When writing about topical things, there is always a danger of your work being “overtaken by events”, which is to say made obsolete by the world changing over the course of time. I wrote this months and months ago, when it was more topical than nostalgic.

But, as we take our first exploratory steps into Naxxramas, high above the snowy valleys of Northrend, let’s remember those heady days when the place to be was Deadwind Pass.

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