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Foggy Duet

Foggy Duet
by Rob Wynne
(TTTO: “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” by Frank Loesser)

I really can’t stay
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
I’ve got to go away
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
This evening has been
(We should lock ourselves in)
So very nice
(I wish you would take my advice)
My mother will start to worry
(The visibility’s blurry)
And father will be pacing the floor
(Listen to the night creatures roar)
So I really should scurry
(They really seem to be in a fury)
But maybe half a drink more
(You grab a gun and I’ll bar the door)

The neighbours might think
(Baby, it’s mad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink?
(No hope to be had out there)
I wish I knew how
(Eyes shine in the darkness now)
To break this spell
(Sure, I wish I knew that as well)
I ought to say no, no, no, sir
(Fetch that gun from my holster)
At least I’m going to say that I tried
(In the morning, you’re sure to have died)
I really can’t stay
(No, baby, don’t go out)
Ah, but there’s fog outside (Baby, there’s fog outside)

I simply must go
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
The answer is no
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
This welcome has been
(It’s lucky that you dropped in)
So very warm
(Look out the window at that swarm)
My sister will be suspicious
(Those creatures probably think you’re delicious)
My brother will be at the door
(Eldritch creatures dripping with gore)
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious
(I’m reasonably sure they’re malicious)
Well, maybe just a cigarette more
(That will kill you slower, I’m sure)

I’ve got to get home
(But you’ll catch your death out there)
Say, lend me your comb
(You’ll draw your last breath out there)
You’ve really been grand
(Need to take a stand)
But don’t you see?
(It’s best if you stay here with me)
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
(There might not even be a tomorrow)
At least there will be plenty implied
(If everyone else hasn’t died)
I really can’t stay
(But I’ve got serious doubts)
Ah, but there’s fog outside (Baby, there’s fog outside)

Because, surely, Night Vale Community Radio plays seasonal music for the holidays.

The Tacos Of Shame

The Tacos of Shame
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” (16th century English carol)

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

Alone In my car
at the Office Bazaar
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

My throat it now burns
My stomach it churns
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

I’ve just me to blame
For my terrible shame
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

This is a bit of an inside joke for the Frogpants/Tadpool community.  I don’t think it requires a ton of context to understand what happened in this simple cautionary tale, though.  Merry Christmas, Mr. Johnson.

The Ballad Of The Swingman

The Ballad of The Swingman
by Rob Wynne and Jeff Williams
TTTO: “Wichita Lineman” by Jimmy Webb

I am a swing man for the Rockies
And I have no workflow
Waiting for the call
To enter and to throw
I see the batter and the catcher
I send a fastball, low inside
And the Cardinals first baseman
Hits it right down the line

I’d like this game to wrap up early
But it don’t look like rain
With extra innings our bullpen won’t ever take the strain
And we need more hits than strikeouts
And we strike out all the time
And the Cardinals first baseman
Hits it right down the line

And we need more hits than strikeouts
And we strike out all the time
And the Cardinals first baseman
Hits it right down the line

This is just a fun little insta that Jeff and I bantered in an IM conversation. (We have conversations like this all the time. Don’t you?)

The original song this is a parody of, “Wichita Lineman”, contains one of the greatest lyrics of any love song ever written. Click on the link above if you’ve never heard it.

The Folsom Connection

Over in the Tadpool group on Facebook, there’s a thread on the topic of “What’s your favourite song to sing in the shower?”  One of the commenters wrote: “That’s a tough one I don’t know if I have a favorite… I will sing anything from Johnny Cash, Folsom Prisom1 Rainbow Connection.”

Being a filker, of course…and a filker fresh off a con where my creative brain is already in gear, the following just fell out of my head:

Why are there so many songs about prisons
And people who are inside?
I’m stuck in this one because once in Reno
I shot a man to watch him die
I guess, in hindsight, I kind of deserve it
It wasn’t a nice thing to do
But as that train rumbles past old Folsom Prison
I can’t help but cry, wouldn’t you?

I’m not sure there’s really a point in going further with it; the joke is complete at the end of the first verse.2 I really need to start a file just for little show-stoppers like this one.


  1. Quipped another:  “Folsom Prism is my Johnny Cash ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ cover album.  I’d pay serious money for that album.  Serious money. 

  2. As Bill Sutton taught me:  “Short is good.  Funny is good.  Short and funny is best. 

Long Haul

Long Haul
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Kenworth Of My Dreams” by Richard Shindell

Sold my army rifle
Kept my long brown coat
My best friend said she’d follow me
Wherever I might roam
So I looked around until I found
A ship within my means
I put fifteen thousand credits down
On the Firefly of my dreams

A farmer’s daughter joined the crew
And she took the thing apart
And every coil and grav link
She came to know by heart
Our pilot, he’s a little strange
And Jayne is plenty mean
But I know they’ll stand behind me
In the Firefly of my dreams

But sometimes, late out on some shipping lane
I think of all the war had cost
Bad guys won, the good guys lost
I just wrote the whole damn system off

I think Inara likes me
But she won’t take me to bed
The doctor and his sister
Are running from the Feds
Shepherd says I’m running too;
I don’t know what he means
I’m just flying out into the black
In the Firefly of my dreams

But sometimes late out on some shipping lane
I think of all the war had cost
Bad guys won, the good guys lost
I just wrote the whole damn system off

Lately, life’s been pretty odd;
I’ve reasons to complain.
My character’s been questioned
So I’d like to make this plain:
From Ariel to Higgins Moon
And all points in between
I’ll do the job and then get paid
In the Firefly of my dreams

Yes, I’ll do the job and then get paid
In the Firefly of my dreams

There are many Firefly songs.  This one is mine.

Richard Shindell writes amazing songs, and I listen to him a lot and cover a lot of his work.  And a long time ago, it occurred to me that the long-haul trucker in his song “The Kenworth of my Dreams”, who sells everything he owns to buy a sort of freedom, was a spiritual ancestor to Malcolm Reynolds.

This is another song where the idea came to me and stalled halfway through, and then sat in a folder for a long time.   I finished it a couple of years ago, but looking back over my blog, it appears I never actually posted it.  I know I’ve performed this a couple of times out and about, once in a circle at Conflikt and once on a panel at Dragon*Con.

OryCon: Day Three

The final day of OryCon had come at last, and with it my concert.

Before that, though, we packed up the room and lugged the suitcase out to the car. and then went to the main stage room to see Alexander James Adams’s set.  He was in great form, and it was a treat to see him play twice in 3 weeks1, and a great time was had by all.  His Sleepy Hollow song (whose title I forget) was especially electric.

At noon, it was time for the Band Scramble.  This is an event that seems to be really big here in the Northwest…everyone’s name goes into a hat, and bands are formed by pulling them out at random.  The new group then has 24 hours to decide on a song to perform together and knock it out.  Due to this that and the other thing, our band2 (consisting of myself, Andrew Ross, Cecilia Eng, and Amanda Morris) never did get together to rehearse, so we very quickly convened in the hallway for half a dry-run of Andrew’s song “Can’t Stop The Signal”, which is to the tune of “You Can’t Stop The Beat” from Hairspray, and works well for this because each person can take a verse.  Cecilia elected just to play the guitar, as the song wasn’t in her range in the key we were doing it, but that still gave each of the others a turn at the mic.  It started out a bit ragged, but we threw ourselves into the “Hello, SHOWTUNES” energy of it and it came together all right in the end.  The second band up featured Char McKay, Alexander James Adams, Steve Dixon, and Callie Hills, and it was really lovely.  The final band3 featured Debs & Errol and Danica Dixon, and they went the extra mile and apparently, not understanding the rules of the contest, went and *wrote* a song to perform the night before.  It was a lovely piece about Howl’s Moving Castle, and I hope that it might resurface because it was really lovely.

The next event was to be the song-writing contest, which I was one of the judges for, but since only one person had submitted a song, we let him sing his song and then awarded him the prize.

Next up was my concert.  This was my first concert here in the Northwest, and the first one I’d done in over a year, and I’ll admit I felt a bit rusty at the start.  I also made the last minute decision to sit rather than stand, which I regret now because I wasn’t really comfortable.  Oddly enough, the songs at the top of the set list were ones I’d been specifically practising, and they were shaky, where as the back half of the set list was mostly songs I do often enough I hadn’t been specifically rehearsing them, and those went much better.  The set list was:

Party of Four
Accept No Substitutes
Son Of A Son Of A Vor Lord
Ceci N’est Pas Un Chanson (Dave Rood)
Guinevere (Robin Batteau)
You Stay Here (Richard Shindell)
One Trick Pony (Paul Simon)
Ozymandias (Dave Weingart)4
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead (Stars)
Year of the Cat (Al Stewart)5
Space (Ben Wakeman)

Someone who was in the audience will have to judge how well it went over all.  Like Mr. Tanner, I only hear the flaws.  But I think it went reasonably well once I got past the first couple of songs.

Once I was done with my concert, I did what I usually do after a concert.  I went to the bar and ordered a stiff drink.  I had an hour to kill before my final panel, which was titled “PC vs Mac vs Linux vs Unix”, which we spent very little talking about because it’s not a fundamentally interested thing to talk about for an hour.  Both myself and my co-panellist agreed that computers are tools and you select the tool that’s best for the job at hand, and then went on to talk about the history of the personal computer6, and what’s on the cutting edge of development for user interface design7.  Despite the fact that we spent very little time on the topic at hand, we had a lot of audience engagement and everyone seemed to like the conversation, so I’ll call it a success.

At this point it was 4pm and we both have to work tomorrow, so we reluctantly begged off a dinner invitation and hit the road.  Three hours later, we were home, ordered pizza and watched a couple of episodes of Pawn Stars, which was about precisely what we had enough brain power to process.

I had an absolutely magical weekend.  Much thanks to the concom, and particularly Daniel Reitman and Andrew Ross, for inviting me and giving me so much to do across a broad spectrum.  I made some new friends, had some interesting conversation, and quite honestly had the time of my life.  I’m already looking forward to coming again next year.


  1. since we’d just seen him at OVFF 

  2. Which was inadvertently named “Only Here For The Flowers” 

  3. The Band of Awesome 

  4. Requested from the audience 

  5. One day, I want to do this with a proper band so we can do the extended outro 

  6. How did we get into this mess? 

  7. How are we going to get out of this mess? 

Son Of A Son Of A Vor Lord

Son of a Son of a Vor Lord
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Son Of A Son Of A Sailor” by Jimmy Buffett

As the son of a son of a Vor lord
I went out into space for excitement
I set out to bamboozle a captain and crew
By pretending I’m some sort of pirate

As a schemer of tactics and a student of war
I make up my plans as I go
Read many accounts about soldiers and Counts
It was all that I needed to know

Son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor Lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

With a fleet of my own in a distant war zone
I crafted a brand new persona
I can shake the hand of the ImpSec man
While he pretends he doesn’t know me

And my lady was born on Station Kline
Floating out in the space lanes
Fast on her feet, runs the whole fleet
And her beauty is matched by her brains

Preparing to race through the wormholes in space
Our forefathers mapped out before us
Feel the hull thrum as the jump engines hum
And see what is waiting there for us

Wherever I go, I’ll find trouble I know
In deep space, or the Dendarii mountains
I don’t stop to reflect about what happens next
At least I didn’t end up an accountant

But a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

I’m just a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
My honour is bound to the Emperor’s crown
And I know I will not die of boredom

I started writing this song five or six years ago, and got stuck in the middle because I wasn’t even sure at what point in the series the song was set.  I put it away and ran across the notes on it recently while tidying up some old folders, and suddenly i knew what I needed to do with it.

This is based on Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkoskigan Saga, and specifically is set sometime before Memory, but after Miles has had time to establish himself with the Dendarii mercenaries.  So, maybe sometime around Brothers in Arms or Borders of Infinity.

I debuted this song in my concert set at Orycon 35 in Portland, Oregon.

OryCon: Day 1

Whew.  It’s been a long time since I was at a gencon, but I’ve been having a great time at this one.

After getting up and getting a shower, we wandered over to the nearby mall for a late breakfast/early lunch.  We ended up getting reasonably tasty teriyaki chicken from the food court, and had a great time watching the skaters on the ice rink in the middle of the mall while we ate.

Between panels I was on and things I wanted to attend, I had a pretty full day.  First up was “Can Movies Capture The Joy of Comics”, which was a lively panel.  We talked about the many various successful and unsuccessful attempts to adapt comics to the screen, and got a lot of input from the audience.

Immediately following was a panel called “Books to Movies to Comics to Movies to Books”, which was all about adaptation.  While some of it focused on similar topics to the first panel, we were a bit broader in the discussion, and got in several examples of cross-medium adaptation, including movie novelisations, TV series continuing as comics, and even the recent trend of taking a bunch of disparate iconic concepts and blending them into a new series, such as “Once Upon A Time” and “Grimm” have been doing.1

We had a brief break before a 6pm panel on “Developing Convention Policies”, which was attended by my wife and the husband of one of my co-panelists.2 After 10 minutes of no one being there, the panel and audience decided that we ought to continue our conversation on convention policy over dinner, and adjourned as a group to the restaurant.

After dinner, we got to the filk room in time to hear most of Frank Hayes’s concert.  I had arranged with the filk track to present Frank with his Pegasus Award for Best Alien Song,3 and as luck would have it, he played it in his set.  We interrupted the concert in order to present the award, which was great fun, since he hadn’t been warned this was going to happen.

Next up was the Filk Guest of Honour concert performance from Debs and Errol.  I was already quite familiar with their work via recording, but it was great to finally see them perform live.4 I hope to spend more time with them as the weekend progresses, but after the concert they had the usual press of folks wanting to meet them, so I briefly introduced myself and figured I’d see them again as the weekend progressed.  Tremendous fun duo.  Do *not* miss them if you get the chance.

As I’m writing this, I have one more duty, which is to be part of the Polyamory panel at 11pm.  After which I think I will sleep soundly.  Tomorrow has another full day in store!


  1. I mentioned and was surprised no one in the audience had heard of “Welcome to Night Vale“. 

  2. My opening remark:  “We outnumber them.  I think that means we win!” 

  3. Which was awarded two weeks ago at OVFF 

  4. During the concert, I tweeted “I really want to fold up @debsanderrol and put them in my luggage. 

Boba Fett Isn’t Dead

Boba Fett Isn’t Dead
TTTO: “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus

Red on green Mandalore armor
Back on the track

Boba Fett isn’t dead
The hunter left the sarlaac pit
The Jedi have all fled
Skywalker downs the sand skiff

Boba Fett isn’t dead
Boba Fett isn’t dead
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!

The bounty hunters file past his tomb
Strewn with time’s lost contracts
Adrift in spacial slip
Alone on a darkened ship
The clone

Boba Fett isn’t dead
Boba Fett isn’t dead
Boba Fett isn’t dead
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!
Not dead! Not dead! Not dead!
Not dead!

Oh Boba
Boba’s not dead
Oh Boba
Boba’s not dead

Boba’s not dead
Oh Boba
Boba’s not dead
Oh Boba

Boba Fett is an interesting character. He has about 20 minutes of screen time and five lines of dialogue in the original Star Wars trilogy, and still became one of its most enduring and popular characters. I can’t really think of anything else quite like it in popular culture.

If you’re like me and your Star Wars knowledge is primarily limited to the films, you may be unaware of the complex storyline that Boba Fett is at the centre of. In particular, you may not be aware that the character did not die in “Return of the Jedi”, but in fact escaped his fate and went on to have many more significant adventures in what is called the “Expanded Universe” of Star Wars lore.

I don’t recall with whom I was chatting about Star Wars (though I have a vague memory it was either Bryan Provost or Nigel Cox), but their reaction to my comment about Fett dying in RotJ was a forceful “Boba Fett isn’t dead!”, which managed to connect to the iconic refrain of this classic Bauhaus song. Not sure what to do with it, it sat in my unfinished songs folder for weeks, until the rest of it presented itself to me.

If you’re unfamiliar with the original tune and want to skip to the bit that has words in, jump to the 2:50 minute mark of the video linked above.

UPDATE (2020):  In a curious twist of fate, the TV series “The Mandalorian” has made this song canon. 🙂

Party Of Four

Party of Four
by Rob Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
TTTO: “All Along The Watchtower” by Bob Dylan

I just don’t see a way into here
Said the cleric to the thief
This keep is too well defended
With its iron and stone motif
All these walls are much too high
The courtyard far too wide
Unless you’ve somehow learned how to fly
There is no way inside

No reason to get discouraged
The thief he softly spoke
There are many doors to pass through
And all these locks are but a joke
But you and I, we’ve fought the hordes
their treasure is our due
So let us not speak loudly now
It’s time to sneak on through

Down below the watchtower
There was a secret door
While the guardsmen paced and prowled
Inside slipped the four

Deep inside the cold dungeon
A wandering monster passed
The warrior pulled out his sword
And the mage began to cast

Another Dungeons and Dragons filk, this one started by Jeff with the opening lines, which he sent me in an instant message a few weeks ago.  While the song is by Dylan, the filk is most certainly of Jimi Hendrix’s iconic cover.  Now if only I could actually play it like that. 🙂

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