We made it home safe. Details of the trip to follow. Tomorrow or later.
Tag: love
You’re a thousand miles away, so we can’t spend the day together. And yet, we are closer than the miles, because I carry you in my heart always. I can close my eyes and see your smile lighting your eyes, feel your soft touch, and relax in the warm and certain knowledge that you are there and thinking of me.
I am very happy that you are now a part of my life — you are a continual source of light and joy for me.
I love you so very much.
Happy Valentines Day.
Another long overdue update, but life gets busy from time to time. Behind that cut-tag below is a fairly boring account of the last two weeks, but if you’re interested.
I’ve gotten behind on updating this journal, mostly from being so busy the last 2 weeks, between work and my personal life. I’ll try to keep on top of it better in the future. 🙂
A Sonnet of the Moon
by Charles Best
Look how the pale queen of the silent night
Doth cause the ocean to attend upon her,
And he, as long as she is in his sight,
With her full tide is ready her to honor.
But when the silver wagon of the moon
Is mounted up so high he cannot follow,
The sea calls home his crystal waves to moan,
And with low ebb doth manifest his sorrow.
So you that are the sovereign of my heart
Have all my joys attending on your will;
My joys low-ebbing when you do depart,
When you return their tide my heart doth fill.
So as you come and as you do depart,
Joys ebb and flow within my tender heart.
You are my friend, and I love you.
It’s a simple thing to say. But sometimes I think the people I say it to don’t comprehend the depth of what I mean when I say it. It means that I’m always there for you, in as much capacity as I can be. It means that you are never imposing, it means that you are never taking up time I could better spend elsewhere. It means that when you are down, I want to pick you up. It means that I’m there to hold you when you feel like you’re slipping away. It means you never have to spend the night alone.
It means that I care about you, and all your ups and downs, that I will walk beside you during your trials, and be the first in line to give you a huge hug when you triumph.
It means that there’s no need to say “I’m sorry.” It means that no matter how disconnected you might feel, there is ever one person in this world who cares what’s going through your head.
I don’t always have solutions, or suggestions, or even the right words. I’m not always wise, and I’m not always thoughtful. But, when you need me, I will always be there.
Because you are my friend. And I love you.
I hate roller coasters.
I don’t mean in the physical amusement park ride sense, really. I don’t /love/ roller coasters the way some people do. i can take them or leave them, but they can be fun with the right people to ride along with.
I hate emotional roller coasters.
A lot of my avoidance issues come from the fact that I tend to shy away from conflict. I’d rather keep an even keel and work through things, steadily, than get involved in tempests. I’d rather talk things out than argue. And I’d much, much rather take up ground at a steady pace than have to rush around and do things in a frenzy. I like calm. I like peace. I like comfort.
I don’t like roller coasters.
Ferris wheels, on the other hand, are lovely. Yes, there’s ups and downs, but they’re steady and gentle, and if you put in a good word with the guy at the switch, he might even let you stop at the top for a while.
I want my life to be like a ferris wheel. I’d gladly slip the guy at the switch a twenty to arrange a temporary “malfunction” while I’m up at the top, with her snuggled close to me and the world laid out before us, full of possibility and light.
Instead, I’m on this roller coaster. And it keeps picking up speed.
I am not a selfish person.
I don’t say this out of hubris. Only that it’s the center of my current dilemma.
See, I’m a person who likes to do for others. My priority list always seems to start with “What can I do to make the people around me happy?” In large part, I know that this is because doing for others is one of the things that makes ME happy. I like to make other people smile, to help them get what they want, to make someone else’s life just a small bit brighter and more worthwhile.
Most of the time when I am unhappy, it’s because I’m put into a situation where the things that *I* want and need are in direct conflict with the wants and needs of someone who is close to me. Knowing that the choices I make for my own health and happiness are going to have a negative effect on someone else gets me in a state of inner turmoil and triggers my depressive tendencies. This gets worse when the other person knows about these tendencies — I’m very easy to manipulate if you know which parts of me to tug.
I need to learn to be selfish. I need to learn to make decisions in my own benefit. I need to make those decisions and face through the consequences so that I can finally fill the hole inside of me with love and light.
I know what I need. I know what I want. I know it will not be easy to achieve, because my hardest foe to overcome is myself.
Once more, unto the breach….