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The Shining Wit

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On October 19, 2016

In Songs

The Shining Wit
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Act Naturally” by Johnny Russell and Voni Morrison

I’m gonna get myself a girlfriend
I’m gonna go make all these women see
That I’m a man who knows how to explain things
And all I gotta say is “Well, actually…”

I promise you that I know all about it
I’m quite an expert, you can surely tell
Don’t worry your pretty head about it
‘Cause I can make it simple as well

I know you’ll nod and see that I am right, here.
And jump into my arms and softly squee
You’ll fall for me the moment that I step up
To interrupt you, saying, “Well, actually…”

Yet somehow I wind up sad and lonely
It makes me so mad; I just cannot see
I know that I did nothing to deserve this
The only thing I said was “Well, actually…”

I promise you that I know all about it
I’m quite an expert, you can surely tell
Don’t worry your pretty head about it
‘Cause I can make it simple as well

I guess that she was just another hater
But I will get a girl eventually
She will not be able to resist me
When I interrupt her saying “Well, actually…”

Many thanks to Twitter user David Ballard (@dvdbllrd) for the inspiration for this.

Inclement Weather Advisory

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On February 24, 2015

In Songs

Inclement Weather Advisory
by Rob Wynne and Jeff Williams
TTTO: “A Kind Of Hush” by Herman’s Hermits

There’s a kind of slush
All over the road, today
All over the road you can hear the sound
Of fast-skidding cars
Watch out for that tree!

Let’s the two of us
Stay inside the house, today
I don’t want to go out and get in the way
of fast-skidding cars

Now listen very carefully
Come closer and see cars sliding into the ditch
Hey, ain’t that a bitch?
The only sound that you will hear
is when the cars begin to skid and career
Roll over and over

There’s a kind of slush
All over the road, today
All over the road you can hear the sound
Of fast-skidding cars

Fa la-la la-la la-la
Fa-la la-la la-la la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la la-la-la
Fa la-la la-la

Now listen very carefully
Come closer and see cars sliding into the ditch
Hey, ain’t that a bitch?
The only sound that you will hear
is when the cars begin to skid and career
Roll over and over

There’s a kind of slush
All over the road, today
All over the road you can hear the sound
Of fast-skidding cars
Of fast-skidding cars
Of fast-skidding cars

A Better Plan

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On March 22, 2014

In Songs

A Better Plan
by Rob Wynne
Music:  “Let It Go” by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez (from Disney’s “Frozen”)

The weather outside is frightful tonight
But this fire is very nice
And there’s no place I need to be
out in the frozen ice
The wind is blowing and
The snow piles up in drifts
So let’s just stay here, wrap our Christmas gifts

We can’t go out, let’s just stay in
There’s no need to brave the howling din
Stay warm, no storm can harm us here
The answer’s clear

Let it snow, let it snow
It shows no sign of stopping
Let it snow, let it snow
I brought some corn for popping
There’s nowhere
That we need to be
Turn the lights down low
Curl up on the sofa here next to me

Every so often, an idea for a parody shows up that won’t go away, but there really isn’t enough there to justify parodying the entire song.  These are called “show stoppers” because they typically only run up to the point that you hit the punchline of the joke, and then end.

Larissa and I finally got around to seeing Disney’s “Frozen” (which is excellent, and you should watch it), and this came into my mind and wouldn’t go away, so i finally sat down and wrote it.  It’s finished; there’s only the one verse and chorus. 

Do Ragna-wop

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On February 21, 2014

In Songs

Do Ragna-wop
By Rob Wynne
TTTO:  “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by Solomon Linda

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

In the longboat, the freezing longboat
The Vikings sail tonight
Towards the tundra, the frozen tundra
The Vikings sail tonight

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

Against the giants, the mighty giants,
The Vikings fight tonight
For Odin’s glory, eternal glory
The Vikings fight tonight

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

In Valhalla, golden Valhalla
The Vikings drink tonight
‘Till the fighting, tomorrow’s fighting
The Vikings drink tonight

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

Inspired by a USA Today article which proclaimed that according to the Viking calendar, the world was going to end on Saturday.  So tonight we’re going to party like it’s 799.

Upon The Fields Of Catnip

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On January 16, 2014

In Songs

Upon The Fields Of Catnip
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Fields of Gold” by Sting

You’ll remember how I would always purr upon the fields of catnip
You’ll forget the spot where I used to sleep as we play with balls of yarn

So the time to go was a time I chose upon the fields of catnip
In her arms I slipped through the summer door to play with balls of yarn

“Won’t you stay with me? Must you leave so soon to roam the fields of catnip?
All these years you’ve gazed from your lofty perch and played with balls of yarn”

But the quiet calls and it’s time to go upon the fields of catnip.
Feel my body still as I slip away to play with balls of yarn

“I never sent you away lightly
and there have been times I regretted
But I thought you’d be there waiting to play with balls of yarn
We’ll play with balls of yarn”

Now a year has gone and I still run free upon the fields of catnip
Let a kitten romp through my favourite haunts and play with balls of yarn

You’ll remember how I would always purr upon the fields of catnip
I’ll be waiting here, ’till we meet again, and we’ll play with balls of yarn
We’ll play with balls of yarn
We’ll play with balls of yarn

It’s been a little over a year now since we lost Dayna.  Earlier today, I saw on Facebook that a friend’s beloved pet had crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and someone commented that he was “running around in fields of catnip now”, and this just poured out.  I still miss you, you weird furry little kitty.

Moss Bliss performed this song as part of a 2×10 set at Gafilk in 2018.

Foggy Duet

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On December 23, 2013

In Songs

Foggy Duet
by Rob Wynne
(TTTO: “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” by Frank Loesser)

I really can’t stay
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
I’ve got to go away
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
This evening has been
(We should lock ourselves in)
So very nice
(I wish you would take my advice)
My mother will start to worry
(The visibility’s blurry)
And father will be pacing the floor
(Listen to the night creatures roar)
So I really should scurry
(They really seem to be in a fury)
But maybe half a drink more
(You grab a gun and I’ll bar the door)

The neighbours might think
(Baby, it’s mad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink?
(No hope to be had out there)
I wish I knew how
(Eyes shine in the darkness now)
To break this spell
(Sure, I wish I knew that as well)
I ought to say no, no, no, sir
(Fetch that gun from my holster)
At least I’m going to say that I tried
(In the morning, you’re sure to have died)
I really can’t stay
(No, baby, don’t go out)
Ah, but there’s fog outside (Baby, there’s fog outside)

I simply must go
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
The answer is no
(But baby, there’s fog outside)
This welcome has been
(It’s lucky that you dropped in)
So very warm
(Look out the window at that swarm)
My sister will be suspicious
(Those creatures probably think you’re delicious)
My brother will be at the door
(Eldritch creatures dripping with gore)
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious
(I’m reasonably sure they’re malicious)
Well, maybe just a cigarette more
(That will kill you slower, I’m sure)

I’ve got to get home
(But you’ll catch your death out there)
Say, lend me your comb
(You’ll draw your last breath out there)
You’ve really been grand
(Need to take a stand)
But don’t you see?
(It’s best if you stay here with me)
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
(There might not even be a tomorrow)
At least there will be plenty implied
(If everyone else hasn’t died)
I really can’t stay
(But I’ve got serious doubts)
Ah, but there’s fog outside (Baby, there’s fog outside)

Because, surely, Night Vale Community Radio plays seasonal music for the holidays.

The Tacos Of Shame

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On December 19, 2013

In Songs

The Tacos of Shame
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” (16th century English carol)

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

Alone In my car
at the Office Bazaar
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

My throat it now burns
My stomach it churns
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

I’ve just me to blame
For my terrible shame
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

This is a bit of an inside joke for the Frogpants/Tadpool community.  I don’t think it requires a ton of context to understand what happened in this simple cautionary tale, though.  Merry Christmas, Mr. Johnson.

My brain is a strange place

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On December 3, 2013

In Blog

A few months ago, we had a member of the group I hang out with on Facebook leave the group because he wanted to avoid spoilers1 for Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead.  Since the latter show just ended its half-season and is going on hiatus, he rejoined the group and announced he had returned.  I replied “Welcome back!” and then, as I reflexively do whenever I say those two words, appended “Your dreams were your ticket out.”  It’s just a thing I do.

Somehow, the juxtaposition of the theme from Welcome Back, Kotter and Breaking Bad stayed in my head, and a few minutes later I posted this:

For your consideration:

A 1970s era remake of “Breaking Bad” starring Gabe Kaplan and Ron Palillo.

One commenter noted that Ron Palillo sadly passed away not too long ago; I was aware of that, but somehow it was much funnier to me that our Jesse substitute was Horshack rather than any of the other Sweathogs.23 And, really, it might have ended there, but my friend Joey chimed in “With a theme by John Sebastian”.

At first, I tried to imagine how Sebastian might render Dave Porter’s brilliant Breaking Bad theme, but then I realised I was coming at it backwards.  The following just wrote itself:

Breaking Bad 
Your cancer was just an excuse
Breaking Bad
You always wanted to slip the noose

Well your dreams never were what you’d hoped they’d be
Now you’re out on the res in an old RV

Who’d have thought they’d come true
(Who’d have thought they’d come true)
Crystalised in ice blue
(Crystalised in ice blue)

Well, he’ll prob’ly wind up dead
‘Cause he’s in over his head
Breaking Bad
Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad

I really haven’t a clue what to do with this idea, but it’s continuing to entertain me.

  1. The longruning debate over when its okay to post spoilers into an open space continues to weary me, since, as I’ve posted about multiple times, it’s largely a question of manners. ↩

  2. I later decided that Vinnie and Epstein would be Badger and Skinny Pete, respectively.  Mr. Woodman is Gus Fring. Not sure there’s a good analogue in this scenario for Freddie. ↩

  3. ETA:  No, Boom-boom Washington is Skinny Pete.  Vinnie is Combo.  That works better. ↩

The Ballad Of The Swingman

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On November 14, 2013

In Songs

The Ballad of The Swingman
by Rob Wynne and Jeff Williams
TTTO: “Wichita Lineman” by Jimmy Webb

I am a swing man for the Rockies
And I have no workflow
Waiting for the call
To enter and to throw
I see the batter and the catcher
I send a fastball, low inside
And the Cardinals first baseman
Hits it right down the line

I’d like this game to wrap up early
But it don’t look like rain
With extra innings our bullpen won’t ever take the strain
And we need more hits than strikeouts
And we strike out all the time
And the Cardinals first baseman
Hits it right down the line

And we need more hits than strikeouts
And we strike out all the time
And the Cardinals first baseman
Hits it right down the line

This is just a fun little insta that Jeff and I bantered in an IM conversation. (We have conversations like this all the time. Don’t you?)

The original song this is a parody of, “Wichita Lineman”, contains one of the greatest lyrics of any love song ever written. Click on the link above if you’ve never heard it.

The Folsom Connection

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On November 13, 2013

In Blog, Songs

Over in the Tadpool group on Facebook, there’s a thread on the topic of “What’s your favourite song to sing in the shower?”  One of the commenters wrote: “That’s a tough one I don’t know if I have a favorite… I will sing anything from Johnny Cash, Folsom Prisom1 Rainbow Connection.”

Being a filker, of course…and a filker fresh off a con where my creative brain is already in gear, the following just fell out of my head:

Why are there so many songs about prisons
And people who are inside?
I’m stuck in this one because once in Reno
I shot a man to watch him die
I guess, in hindsight, I kind of deserve it
It wasn’t a nice thing to do
But as that train rumbles past old Folsom Prison
I can’t help but cry, wouldn’t you?

I’m not sure there’s really a point in going further with it; the joke is complete at the end of the first verse.2 I really need to start a file just for little show-stoppers like this one.

  1. Quipped another:  “Folsom Prism is my Johnny Cash ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ cover album.  I’d pay serious money for that album.  Serious money. ↩

  2. As Bill Sutton taught me:  “Short is good.  Funny is good.  Short and funny is best. ↩

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