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Some Assembly Required

By

On January 30, 2021

In Songs

Some Assembly Required
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Maria” by Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein

IKEA
I just bought a book from IKEA
And the component parts just to make up a single word
IKEA, IKEA, IKEA, IKEA

IKEA!
I’ve just bought a book from IKEA
And assembling that text
Will find me rather vexed
and sad
IKEA

Shout out loud, find there’s a piece missing
Mutter soft, and you’re cursing and hissing

IKEA
I’ll never again buy IKEA
The most obnoxious book I’ll never read
IKEA
 
This was an insta inspired by this meme picture.  Everytime I saw it, I got the song in my head, so I jotted it down. 🙂


Undead Cat

By

On October 27, 2016

In Songs

Undead Cat
Lyrics by Rob Wynne
(TTTO: “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel)

Undead cat
It’s not living now, and that is that
But somehow it still can move around
No you’re never gonna keep it down

You’d better run from the undead cat
You won’t win if you get in a spat
And if the sight of it should give you pause
You’re gonna die by its undead claws
And drooling maw

And when you see where it is
It’s too lay-ay-ate
And when you wake up
You make up its play-ay-ate

You’ll see you now are dead
Your poor sod
You’ve been fed to the undead cat
And your flesh has made it sleek and fat
And when it’s tired of its catnip toys
It will go hunting for more girls and boys
Because they’re moist

Undead cat
In Spanish, viviendo muerto gat-
O, maybe someday when you’re on your own
Out in the woods, you hear a yowling moan
Won’t make it home

And where it’s stalking
You’ll find you’re its prey-ay-ay
There’s no use talking
Unless it’s to pray-ay-ay

You’ll see you now are dead
Your poor sod
You’d should’ve fled from the undead cat
You won’t win if you get in a spat
And if the sight of it should give you pause
You’re gonna die by its undead claws
And drooling maw

My brain and welcome to it.  (Sincere apologies to Billy Joel, and anyone with the slightest amount of taste)

Son Of A Son Of A Vor Lord

By

On November 10, 2013

In Songs

Son of a Son of a Vor Lord
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Son Of A Son Of A Sailor” by Jimmy Buffett

As the son of a son of a Vor lord
I went out into space for excitement
I set out to bamboozle a captain and crew
By pretending I’m some sort of pirate

As a schemer of tactics and a student of war
I make up my plans as I go
Read many accounts about soldiers and Counts
It was all that I needed to know

Son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor Lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

With a fleet of my own in a distant war zone
I crafted a brand new persona
I can shake the hand of the ImpSec man
While he pretends he doesn’t know me

And my lady was born on Station Kline
Floating out in the space lanes
Fast on her feet, runs the whole fleet
And her beauty is matched by her brains

Preparing to race through the wormholes in space
Our forefathers mapped out before us
Feel the hull thrum as the jump engines hum
And see what is waiting there for us

Wherever I go, I’ll find trouble I know
In deep space, or the Dendarii mountains
I don’t stop to reflect about what happens next
At least I didn’t end up an accountant

But a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

I’m just a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
My honour is bound to the Emperor’s crown
And I know I will not die of boredom

I started writing this song five or six years ago, and got stuck in the middle because I wasn’t even sure at what point in the series the song was set.  I put it away and ran across the notes on it recently while tidying up some old folders, and suddenly i knew what I needed to do with it.

This is based on Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkoskigan Saga, and specifically is set sometime before Memory, but after Miles has had time to establish himself with the Dendarii mercenaries.  So, maybe sometime around Brothers in Arms or Borders of Infinity.

I debuted this song in my concert set at Orycon 35 in Portland, Oregon.

Outbreak

By

On January 1, 2007

In Songs

Outbreak
by Robert Wynne and Larissa March
Music: “The Overall Distance” by Ben Wakeman
© 2007

Thirty miles from Memphis
There’s a wreck on the Interstate
Some folks crash and die,
While the rest reanimate.
They start to shamble towards my car
I think my time is running out
At first I feared they’d want to eat my brain
But now I don’t have any doubt.

It’s not the overall death toll,
But all the zombies on the way,
That send you fleeing from your home,
Make you run further every day.

There’s a dead woman next to me,
Right outside my Oldsmobile.
Half her body’s gone,
She’s too horrific to be real.
So young to be undead,
But she’s clawing at the door,
I think I could take her out myself,
But here come half a dozen more.

It’s not the overall death toll,
But all the zombies on the way,
That send you fleeing from your home,
Make you run further every day.

There’s a corpse standing by the on ramp
Gnawing on a dying man
His coat is stained with blood
He’s got a brain clutched in his hand
I could chop him into bits
And at first I think I will,
But his friends are closing in on me
And there’s more of them than I can kill.

It’s not the overall death toll,
But all the zombies on the way,
That send you fleeing from your home,
Make you run further every day.

There’s a terror I start to feel
I turn and run through open fields
I know the zombies are hot on my trail
And i won’t have a future if I fumble and fail
I’m a man on the run and I don’t know how long my life will last
I must escape the undead
I must escape the undead — run fast!
Run fast!

Lawyers, Guns, and Honey

By

On January 1, 2006

In Songs

Lawyers, Guns, and Honey
by Robert Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
Music: “Lawyers, Guns, and Money” by Warren Zevon
© 2006

Well, I went to talk to Piglet
Kanga, Owl, and Roo
I wish somebody’d told me
That Tigger’d be there, too

We went walkin’ to the mill pond
Saw Eeyore’d fallen in
Send lawyers, guns, and honey
Yeah, Tigger’s bounced again

Oh, I’m a bear of little brain
I’m full of cheer and pluck
Just halfway into Rabbit’s hole
And I found I was stuck
Yes, I found I was stuck
Well, I found I was stuck

Now I’m hanging from balloon strings
I’m a desperate bear
Send lawyers, guns, and honey
The bees have seen me there

Send lawyers guns and honey
Send lawyers guns and honey
Send lawyers guns and honey
Send lawyers guns and honey

Naismith (Not Vorkosigan)

By

On January 1, 2004

In Songs

Naismith (Not Vorkosigan)
by Robert Wynne
Music: “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” by Jimmy Kennedy and Nat Simon
© 2004

Miles Naismith was once Lord Vorkosigan
He’s Adm’ril Naismith, not Lord Vorkosigan
Pretending that he isn’t Vorkosi-
Make a fast retreat to the Dendarii fleet

Every gal on Dendarii missions
Loves Admiral Naismith not Lord Vorkosigan
They don’t know that he’s really Vorkosigan
They’re following the Admiral

Even young Lord Mark was once a clone of Miles
Which was which you couldn’t say
Sur Galen liked it better that way

So now Mark is Mark and not Miles Vorkosigan
He got real fat, unlike Lord Vorkosigan
So folks won’t think that he’s Miles Vorkosigan
When chaos and confusion start to mount
That’s nobody’s business but the Count’s.

Miles Naismith! (Miles Naismith!)
Miles Naismith! (Miles Naismith!)

Even young Lord Mark was once a clone of Miles
Which was which, you couldn’t say
Sur Galen liked it better that way

Miles Naismith was once Lord Vorkosigan
he’s Adm’ril Naismith, not Lord Vorkosigan
Pretending that he isn’t Vorkosigan
When chaos and confusion start to mount
That’s nobody’s business but the Count’s.

So now Mark is Mark and not Miles Vorkosigan
He got real fat, unlike Lord Vorkosigan
So folks won’t think that he’s Miles Vorkosigan
When chaos and confusion start to mount
That’s nobody’s business but the Count’s.

Miles Naismith!
Another song based on Lois McMaster Bujold’s brillient Miles Vorkosigan series. This is a difficult song to sing, in part because the original is tricky to begin with, and I had to play loose with the scansion in places. It *does* scan, once you find the pattern of the stresses required.

The Last March of Gondor

By

On January 1, 2004

In Songs

The Last March of Gondor
by Robert Wynne and Larissa March
Music: “Least of My Kind” by Cat Faber
© 2004

Armored in in battle mail,
Swearing we shall not fail,
Cursing, we ride to Mordor’s Door.
Men, elves and dwarves unite
Facing the Shadow’s might
Here is a challenge he can’t ignore!

Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

We fought and did not yield
Pelennor’s battlefield
Now we approach the Dark Lord’s gate
Sauron we will defy
Hoping to draw his eye
Far from the one who’ll decide our fate

Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

One day may tell the tale
Courage of men shall fail
That will not be this day, I swear
Look on me now, Dark Lord
Reforged, the broken sword
Thought you that Isildur had no heir?

Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

Ultimately, this song was inspired by a typo. Gwen Knighton was discussing the second album release of her band, Three Weird Sisters and accidently typed the title of the Cat Faber song “Least of My Kind” as “Least of My King”. That sparked the idea of an LOTR themed parody of that tune.

One of the nifty additions to the movie versions of Lord of the Rings is Aragorn’s “St. Crispin’s Day” speech, as the assembled Army of the West stands before the Gates of Mordor. I imagined how bards might remember that in song, and this was the result.

This is the first song that my wife Larissa and I wrote together. It was an enjoyable experience, and hopefully one we’ll repeat.

This song was published in the Conterpoint 2004 songbook, and in “Under Filk Wood”, the songbook for Interaction, the 2005 Worldcon in Glasgow.

Sauron

By

On January 1, 2001

In Songs

Sauron
by Robert Wynne
(Thanks to Dave Weingart for the second half of verse 1)
Music: “Do Ron Ron” by the Crystals
© 2001

He rose up out of Mordor and the sky turned black,
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron
He sent his Orcish raiders for the Ring to track
A Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Yeah….his shadow hand
Stretched…..out across the land
Best….to avoid his eye
A Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Gandalf said the One Ring was his key to power
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron
If he could regain it he would rule the hour
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Out….of Rivendell
To….the brink of Hell
We’re….off to destroy the Ring
of Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Sam and Frodo journeyed to the Cracks of Doom
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron
Threw it in the fire not a bit too soon
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron

Yeah…..the rings unmade
So…..the world was saved
And…never more we’ll fear
a Sauron-ron-ron, a Sauron-ron
A bit of silliness that came out of a long afternoon on #filkhaven. I tossed out the first half of the first verse, and Dave Weingart tossed out the second half, and I thought “Hey, that’s not a bad idea” and quickly finished it. This one is an infectious sing-along, and always helps bring the mood of a circle up.

This song was published in Xenofilkia #78 and the Gafilk 2003 songbook.

Novel Man

By

On January 1, 2001

In Songs

Novel Man
by Robert Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
Music: “Nowhere Man” by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
© 2001

He’s a real novel man
living off his long-time fans
writing long complex stories
that don’t end

Plots that are long and absurd
Two hundred ninety thousand words
Can it be he’s never heard of
Brevity

Novel man, please hasten
Up that scene, time’s wastin’
Novel man
The advance has long since been spent

Got multiple points of view
Subplots and pointless verse too
Does he think we’ve nothing else
to read

Long winded as he can be
Series come in groups of three
I wonder if we’ll ever see
the end of it

Novel man, please end it
It’s much harder to defend it
Novel man, It once was so promising
Now it’s a joke

He’s a real novel man
Doesn’t have a master plan
And his series rolls on to
Infinity

He may write this series for infinity!
This song isn’t about one particular writer, but could easily be applied to any number of authors currently mining the low grade ore out of the science fiction and fantasy mine. There’s some really good deposits down deep and off the main shaft, but some folks manage to get rich selling the same stuff off the top over and over again.

Oh well, they keep printing them. I guess SOMEBODY’S gotta read them.

This song was published in the Gafilk 2006 songbook.

Team Koudelka Girls

By

On January 1, 1999

In Songs

Team Koudelka Girls
by Robert Wynne
Music: “California Girls” by the Beach Boys
© 1999

Cetaganda ghem girls are always so very nice
(On) Jackson’s Whole you can get whatever you want
If you’re willing to pay the price
Beta Colony girls all have such an open mind
(But) I cant wait to get back to Barrayar
Back to the cutest girls you can find!

I wish they all could be Team Koudelka
I wish they all could be Team Koudelka
I wish they all could be Team Koudelka Girls

Delia’s the tall one, with her golden hair and face
Olivia’s an athlete who can run with the boys
(But) never lacking style or grace
Martya’s often quiet, but she hides a razor mind
And Kareen, Kareen, she’s such a dream
Any one of them would do just fine

I wish they all could be Team Koudelka
I wish they all could be Team Koudelka
I wish they all could be Team Koudelka Girls
This song is based on Lois McMaster Bujold’s Miles Vorkosigan books, specifically “A Civil Campaign”. The song occured to me the first time Miles mentally refers to the siblings as “Team Koudelka”, and you must admit, they make a stunning quartet. It isn’t written from any particular characters point of view.

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