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Walrus Matilda

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On May 1, 2020

In Songs

Walrus Matilda
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Waltzing Matilda” by Banjo Paterson

I am he as you are he, you are me and we are we
See how they run like pigs from a gun
See how they fly and take a look at how I cry
Then go a-walrus matilda with me

Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come
Corporation t-shirt, stupid bloody day
Man you’ve been a naughty boy, you have let your face grow long
So come a-walrus matilda with me

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
And we are in the garden, waiting for the sun to come
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

Mister City policemen, sitting in a pretty row
See how they fly like Lucy in the sky
See how they fly and take a look at how I cry
Then come a-walrus matilda with me

Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye
Pornographic priestess, crabalocker wife
Boy you’ve been a naughty girl, you have let your knickers down
So come a-walrus Matilda with me

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
And we are in the garden, tanning in the English rain
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

I’m an expert texpert, I’m a choking smoker too
Don’t you know the joker is laughing at you
See how the pigs smile, take a look at how I cry
Then come a-walrus matilda with me

Semolina Pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower
Elementary penguin, hare krishna song
Man you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe
So come a-walrus matilda with me

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
Everybody’s got one, stick it up your jumper, love
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
You can still hear Paul’s ghost, as he says to the carpenter
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

A bit of silly mashup inspired by a conversation on #filkhaven this morning.

Second Movement

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On March 3, 2017

In Songs

Second Movement
by Rob Wynne
To the tune of “Everybody Hurts” by REM

When your dinner’s done
And you sit, you sit upon the throne
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
to digest, well, let go

Just let yourself go
Cause everybody pees
And everybody poops….sometimes.

Sometimes everything is full
Now it’s time to sit alone
When your dinner’s moved along (let go, let go)
If you feel like holding on (let go)
If you think your toilet seat
Is too cold, well, let go

Everybody poops
Take comfort in the void
Everybody poops
Don’t wipe on your hand, oh no

Don’t wipe on your hand, oh no
Use paper from the roll
No, no, no, use the roll

If you’re on your own after lunch
You’ve eaten all the food
When you think you’ve had too much of this food to hang on

Well, everybody poops,
Sometimes, everybody pees
Everybody poops sometimes
Everybody poops sometimes.

So let go, let go,
Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go
Everybody poops

I swore I’d never actually write this song. But sometimes the muse won’t let go. Dedicated to all the parents of young children out there.

Meet The Hipsters

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On October 27, 2016

In Songs

Meet The Hipsters
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Theme From The Flintstones” by Hoyt Curtin, Joseph Barbera and William Hanna

Hipsters, meet the Hipsters
They’re a modern vintage family
From the streets of Brooklyn
They go on a thrift store shopping spree

Hear their…records (vinyl is preferred)
Bands of whom you’ll never once have heard

When you’re with the Hipsters
You’ll have a before it was cool time
A real old school time
You’ll have a new old time!

For the record, I have nothing against hipsters. But someone posted this photo, and this just…came out.

Image result for sundress "we're the hipsters"

Rhymes of Fashion

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On October 27, 2016

In Songs

Rhymes of Fashion
by Rob Wynne and Jeff Williams
TTTO: “We Will Rock You” by Queen

Buddy you’re a hard shoe, cheap shoe,
Plastic on your feet so you stomp in the puddles, yeah
You got mud on your strap, you piece of crap
But you sell because you’re cheaper than an iPhone app

We will, we will CROC YOU!(Wear it, uh…)
We will, we will CROC YOU!

Buddy you’re an apron, draped on,
Hang down to your knees so you don’t get the stain on you
You got paint in your hair, but you don’t care
Cuz you know it won’t get on to your clothes under there

We will, we will SMOCK YOU
We will, we will SMOCK YOU

Buddy, you’re a cheap robe, wardrobe
Fitting for a priest or a monk from the Middle Age
You got rope for a belt
Never look svelte
Even when you’re made from furry animal pelts

We will, we will FROCK YOU
We will, we will FROCK YOU

This is the sort of thing that happens when Jeff Williams and I get bored in chat…

Undead Cat

By

On October 27, 2016

In Songs

Undead Cat
Lyrics by Rob Wynne
(TTTO: “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel)

Undead cat
It’s not living now, and that is that
But somehow it still can move around
No you’re never gonna keep it down

You’d better run from the undead cat
You won’t win if you get in a spat
And if the sight of it should give you pause
You’re gonna die by its undead claws
And drooling maw

And when you see where it is
It’s too lay-ay-ate
And when you wake up
You make up its play-ay-ate

You’ll see you now are dead
Your poor sod
You’ve been fed to the undead cat
And your flesh has made it sleek and fat
And when it’s tired of its catnip toys
It will go hunting for more girls and boys
Because they’re moist

Undead cat
In Spanish, viviendo muerto gat-
O, maybe someday when you’re on your own
Out in the woods, you hear a yowling moan
Won’t make it home

And where it’s stalking
You’ll find you’re its prey-ay-ay
There’s no use talking
Unless it’s to pray-ay-ay

You’ll see you now are dead
Your poor sod
You’d should’ve fled from the undead cat
You won’t win if you get in a spat
And if the sight of it should give you pause
You’re gonna die by its undead claws
And drooling maw

My brain and welcome to it.  (Sincere apologies to Billy Joel, and anyone with the slightest amount of taste)

Do Ragna-wop

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On February 21, 2014

In Songs

Do Ragna-wop
By Rob Wynne
TTTO:  “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by Solomon Linda

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

In the longboat, the freezing longboat
The Vikings sail tonight
Towards the tundra, the frozen tundra
The Vikings sail tonight

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

Against the giants, the mighty giants,
The Vikings fight tonight
For Odin’s glory, eternal glory
The Vikings fight tonight

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

In Valhalla, golden Valhalla
The Vikings drink tonight
‘Till the fighting, tomorrow’s fighting
The Vikings drink tonight

Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok
Ah Ragnarok, Ah ragnarok

Inspired by a USA Today article which proclaimed that according to the Viking calendar, the world was going to end on Saturday.  So tonight we’re going to party like it’s 799.

The Tacos Of Shame

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On December 19, 2013

In Songs

The Tacos of Shame
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” (16th century English carol)

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

Alone In my car
at the Office Bazaar
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

My throat it now burns
My stomach it churns
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

I’ve just me to blame
For my terrible shame
I ate six whole tacos
Now I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

I wish I’d not had those tacos
I think I might die

This is a bit of an inside joke for the Frogpants/Tadpool community.  I don’t think it requires a ton of context to understand what happened in this simple cautionary tale, though.  Merry Christmas, Mr. Johnson.

The Folsom Connection

By

On November 13, 2013

In Blog, Songs

Over in the Tadpool group on Facebook, there’s a thread on the topic of “What’s your favourite song to sing in the shower?”  One of the commenters wrote: “That’s a tough one I don’t know if I have a favorite… I will sing anything from Johnny Cash, Folsom Prisom1 Rainbow Connection.”

Being a filker, of course…and a filker fresh off a con where my creative brain is already in gear, the following just fell out of my head:

Why are there so many songs about prisons
And people who are inside?
I’m stuck in this one because once in Reno
I shot a man to watch him die
I guess, in hindsight, I kind of deserve it
It wasn’t a nice thing to do
But as that train rumbles past old Folsom Prison
I can’t help but cry, wouldn’t you?

I’m not sure there’s really a point in going further with it; the joke is complete at the end of the first verse.2 I really need to start a file just for little show-stoppers like this one.

  1. Quipped another:  “Folsom Prism is my Johnny Cash ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ cover album.  I’d pay serious money for that album.  Serious money. ↩

  2. As Bill Sutton taught me:  “Short is good.  Funny is good.  Short and funny is best. ↩

Accept No Substitutes

By

On February 4, 2008

In Blog, Songs

Accept No Substitutes
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Wonderwall” by Oasis

This toy is totally the toy
That is gonna fill your every need
Watch now, you know it somehow
May accelerate to dang’rous speeds
I don’t believe that anybody
Knows exactly what it really is

Don’t touch, or look at it much
or breathe the vapor from its liquid core
Young, old, and pregnant girls are told
Not to hang around it anymore
I don’t believe that anybody
Knows exactly what it really is

And all these warning messages are binding
Stop using it if its effects are blinding
It is made of glowing stuff that fell to earth from space
Don’t know what it is

Don’t taunt it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
‘Cause after all
Its your happy fun ball

If it smokes, or if you start to choke
Run away from it and hide your head
By now, you ought to somehow
Realize that you should’ve fled
I don’t believe that anybody
Knows exactly what it really is

Just $14.95 will cause elation
This toy sensation’s sweeping through the nation
Even though you know it only rarely sticks to skin
Buy it anyhow

Don’t taunt it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
‘Cause after all
It’s your happy fun ball

Don’t taunt it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
‘Cause after all
It’s your happy fun ball

Don’t taunt it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
But you know you’re gonna really want it
But you know you’re gonna really want it

A lot of times, I end up writing a filk for no other reason than a song getting stuck in my head and after a few repetitions starts to wander off in odd directions. Sometimes, I follow it down those odd directions and end up with something kinda cool.

I’d also like to, in advance, thank Oasis vocalist Liam Gallagher for his mutli-syllabic pronunciation of the word “wall”, which made this filk possible.

Ring of Sedation

By

On September 5, 2007

In Blog, Songs

Ring of Sedation
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “I Wanna Be Sedated” by the Ramones

Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to fall
Into a ring of fire
I’m going down, can’t do nothing at all
As the flames go higher

And it’s burning, burning, burning
Love is a firey ring
I have a wild desire
it makes a burning ring
I fell for you like a child
Now I can’t do anything
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Into a ring of fire
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Into a ring of fire
Over on rec.music.filk, David Okamura writes about a website he found with “tinklepop” karoke tracks of popular songs.

> You got off easy, Karen.  I foolishly sampled most of those tunes, so
> tinklepop "Ring of Fire" alternated with "I Want to be Sedated" in the
> back of my mind for the rest of the day.

And this came out…
My mind is a curious place. 🙂

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